Author: lolitasays

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a man in his mid to late 30s.   He said he couldn’t stand people and most of them were horrible – particularly the people he socially interacted with (dated) in his community.  He went on for quite a while.  I let him release what he had pent up inside.  He said he longed for the days of his 20s because he was single; he is currently the only single person among his immediate age group both personally and professionally.

He said if ever he did get married, it be out of obligation, or just to “fit in;” but in reality, it just wasn’t something he ever aspired to do.  I asked him, “what is it that you aspire to do?”  He said he didn’t know.  All he knew was that his best years were gone.  He didn’t think past his 20s and those were the “Glory Days.”  I was silent for a moment.  Then I said asked him: “is that what you have decided?” and he said to me, “what do you mean?”  I responded, “how could you know that your 20s were your ‘Glory Days’ when you have the whole rest of your life to live?”  He was quiet.  “Well, everything sucks right now,” he grumbled.  I said this to him:

Perhaps things seem to suck right now because things are changing.  Nothing ever stays the same.  When you find yourself in a situation where everything has changed around you and you are longing for the past, the only direction you can go before going forward is inward.  Life is full of possibilities, but how can you see the possibilities before you when you are looking behind you and glamorizing the past?

Change feels like loss for many and as a result many tend to avoid change until they are forced to, and by that time, change is involuntary and more painful than it needs to be.  The past appears more appealing thus facilitating a stagnant feeling of despair and isolation.  It does not have to be that way.  There is a way out.  We are not created to remain the same, but to evolve throughout this journey we call life one day at a time, person at a time, experience at a time.

CORINTHIANS 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, felt like a child, reasoned like a child: when I became a man, I put from me childish ways.

Things do change and that is beyond our control.  Also, things can be more fulfilling in ways one couldn’t have dreamed possible.  Whether we savor a moment or not, it will pass… as we grow older, we will have to redefine ourselves at each juncture:  as teens, young adults, adults, seniors and elderly….  All very distinct experiences in which one cannot carry the previous mind set and consciousness into the succeeding experience…

YES!  It’s a thing!  It may sound bizarre that anyone would need a digital detox, but social media can be quite addicting in the physiological sense of the word.  It has been scientifically proven there is a relationship with production of dopamine and social media approval/interaction.

“Dopamine, Smartphones and You: A battle for your time”  is a Harvard study conducted by Trevor Haynes who describes how likes from a social media post produces the same high as gambling or illicit drugs.  Because we get a dopamine hit from the likes, it’s easy to see how we can get caught up in what’s called a feedback loop.   Naturally we all want to do what feels good as much as possible.

And naturally, too much of anything is bad for you.  You take too many vitamins (which are good for you) at one time, it could lead you to the ER getting your stomach pumped.  So… everything *including use of social media should be used in moderation: but how much is too much!?!?!  Let’s look at five signs you need a digital detox.

        1. Constantly Story Watching

We all have an account we follow that encompasses the fabulous life.  Whether it’s the ambiguously employed jet setting it girl wearing an outfit that costs the price of a brand new mid-sized sedan, the guy that looks like He-Man in the flesh posting his workouts or the inspirational yogi doing her Namaste thing at a temple in Bali. Shout out to to Kellie Paxian.

Living the life so vicariously that your own life is lackluster or you have stopped living your own life because you are watching these folks on daily on demand is dangerous because you may begin to compare your life to theirs which can lead you down a road to depression.

       2.  Upset When Someone Doesn’t Like Your Picture

Back in the day… It was MySpace’s Top 8 what was the demise of friendships!

If you constantly find yourself in a “stop walking and use both thumbs”type of text exchange over who is in a picture, or if you didn’t answer a phone call or text but liked or commented on someone’s post.  It’s probably time to put your account on time out.  It could be you were ignoring the person, OR it could also be you were so wrapped up in your social media you didn’t notice your real friends wanted to talk or hang out in real life.  It sounds silly on paper, but just as people vied for the number 1 spot in the Myspace Top 8 back in the day… People are vying for those likes and that audience in the story.  In any event, if your arguments are stemming from that direction, you may want to unplug before your real life relationships are compromised. P.S. I miss you Tom!

      3.  When You Are Reading Too Much Into Posts

Granted, many people do mistake social media as a personal diary proceeding to rant, rave, vent, air out dirty laundry and out others’ business.  Perhaps that would build a good case as to why one would assume a meme or a post is some sort of indirect jab at them.  However, if you find yourself scrolling through your timeline and landing on a meme that is generally funny but you cannot shake the feeling it was aimed at you: may be time to forfeit the virtual reality for actual reality and reconnect with your loved ones in person and in real time.  You get no where fast with passive aggressiveness and spending too much time on web being passive aggressive is a breeding ground for all things negative and ultimately bring you down.

4.  Excessive Scrolling and Posting

We all do it!  Yes that’s true.  However, if you are glued to your device during work/school hours, in the presence of family and friends or at the dinner table without coming up for air, that is a major indication that you go swept up in the feedback loop and you may have to bail on the social media until you get your bearings and are able to function in reality and virtual reality without neglecting your responsibilities and your loved ones.  While social media has become an extension of our existence, you can gauge whether your use of social media is illicit by those who spend the most time with you.  If you have gotten a verbal warning or written up at work because it,…well this one goes out to you.  Detox…  immediately!

     5.  Negative Feedback Loop Ruins Your Day

Some posts may be hits and some, not so much… but if a post falls below your like average, and you find yourself feeling the way you would feel if you got rejected by someone you have the hots for, then it is a very clear indication you need to take a break from it all and cultivate organic interactions for a few days.

Poolside, beach side, or picnic in the park, a good book goes a long way while you soak up some sun rays and get your Vitamin D on.  Reading books are great for many, many reasons like improving your mood, improving your patience, and improving your vocabulary.  Depending on the book genre, you can improve yourself and your world view or personal philosophy.

My penchant for non fiction and self improvement books inspired me to share this interesting book I read.

NLP has untapped potential for treating individual problems…  It has metamorphosed into an all-purpose self-improvement program and technology. – Time magazine

  I have heard about Neuro-Linguistic Programming and wanted to know more.  NLP does sound quite scifi-esque but it is really about learning how people formulate thoughts and to discover and learn your own personal thought process.  This is so valuable because this book can help equip you with the tools to exercise those negative thought processes that may create obstacles in areas of your life.  This is definitely a must read because there is a wealth of information, techniques and tools that can really essentially change your life.

I think it’s safe to say that we all commit self on self crime and very rarely can we articulate or express why we exhibit negative behaviors or have negative thoughts about ourselves.  This book is a guide for an introspective journey to explore this uncharted area.  The area where your “demons hide.”  I definitely recommend it because it really helps to understand yourself and others and it also can help strengthen your relationships.

Breaking up isn’t so hard to do.  Moving forward can be hard to do because of the displacement of routine.  The adjustment period can cause panic and relationship recidivism (don’t go back).  Familiarity is the enemy in this context, for sure.

Post break up, there’s this phase I like to call relationship purgatory (at least, I imagine this is what purgatory might feel like).  It’s over.  It’s for the best; and yet, your emotions may still be high, you may still be mad, hurt, annoyed, sad, etc.  You have a whole mosh pit of feelings percolating while attempting to go about your day. The agony, for real!

Back in the day “out of sight, out of mind” technique was quite effective. Nowadays, not so much (thanks, social media)!  How does one get through the… “space between” EX and Next? Trust me, it’s a real thing, Dave Matthews Band will tell ya! There are some effective techniques however, they may be challenging for the weak willed.

NO Contact

The no contact rule is usually invoked when engaged in full on yo-yo make up to break up relationship dynamics.  In this specific scenario, if everything has been said and done…  there is nothing more to provide besides dead air.  Reiterating all the transgressions and how it made you feel will yield nothing good.  Might I suggest writing a no holds barred letter to release all the toxicity

and pain, reading it, and burning it.  I know, I know it sounds a bit 80’s movie cliché, but still cathartic nonetheless.  Not to mention, you spare yourself from dousing salt on your wounds by an encore confrontation.

If no contact is not an option, minimizing contact to a need be basis is the next best thing.  Some of you may have children or pets in common or work together etc.  Keep it to bare minimum, and stay on the topic at hand.  It’s hard, but it’s possible and effective.

Start a Journal

Writing down how you feel each day is great for personal growth and it’s an excellent way to get into your own head to assess and reflect on the relationship dynamic.  Starting a journal  is self-discovery in print.  You’ll get to know more about yourself and what makes you tick.  That’s super important because the most important relationship you can have with another human being is yourself.  You must love yourself.  Understand yourself and nurture yourself when needed.  Getting to really know who you are gives you a better understanding of your wants and needs which is extremely important in this experience we call life.  This is where your threshold for bullshit will be revealed.  This is where your boundaries or lack thereof will be exposed.

Work Out

I know, I know.  Working is not always fun, but it has many benefits. Aside from looking great and slimming down, those endorphins fight depression and make you feel good.  You feel accomplished and full of energy.  Whether you are lifting or you are chasing a runner’s high, working out is a tremendous help to fill the gap.  With so many fitness classes out there, you are bound to like at least one!  What a way to transition out of the old familiar routine when you were coupled up.  You can meet new people and instead of sweating the small stuff, you sweat out the bad stuff and get a new and improved figure while you’re at it!

Update Your Look

Not sound vain, or anything, but a nice appearance makes you feel good.   If you cannot afford to go on a shopping spree, that’s cool.  Update your hair, or brows or nails… take your pick.  However brazen or subtle the update, it can be a good boost out of that relationship purgatory space.  A sprinkle of confidence and positivity goes a long way,…  it’s good to have while navigating through that space between Ex and Next.

ONE MORE THING:  Spend time with your friends — I mean really spend time with your friends. Take the time to hang out and curb the relationship talk.  Go out and do stuff and make it about them and not the final episode of your relationship.  Allow your friends to support you through this time by introducing some fun in your life.  Flying solo could stink, particularly if you were out of practice because you were in a long-term relationship but it doesn’t have to ALL the time.

Feed your soul

Volunteering is good for the soul.  As individuals, we all have unique talents and expertise in one area or another.  Displaying our talents and expertise allows us the opportunity to contribute to our community.  You’re making a difference, by helping to make others feel good which makes you feel good too!  That’s huge!

Self development

What a way to hone in on individual growth! Volunteering with an organization is a great way to enhance your outlook and world view.  You learn more about the community you serve, and you also learn more about yourself in the process.  We are creatures of evolution (most of us any way).  The experience can help shape a better version of yourself.  Who knows?  You may discover a new talent.  Be your best self!

Make some friends

Volunteering is a great way to meet people from all walks of life.   Often times, people form solid lasting bonds with each other through the volunteering experience.  We all could use genuine connections with others that are positive and motivating.  After a certain age, we get set in our ways and we all claim it’s so hard to meet genuine, nice folks… perhaps it is because they are out doing their part in making the world a better place…  It’s just a theory.  If you test it out, be sure to come back let me know!

There are so many reasons why a woman can find herself old enough to run for president and not yet ready to have a baby.  The top three reasons are relationship status, career, or health.

With the stay at home family model as common as, say a griffin or unicorn in our society, we are all the breadwinners pulling the same amount of long hours and dealing with insurmountable stressors that may not be equivalent but definitely relative to our daily disposition and capabilities.  There is no such thing as a part time mom even when you work full time.

Women spend the majority of their child bearing years establishing themselves with education and their careers these days.  Those fortunate enough to meet their partners early on may have the advantage to having children, but the single career woman may have to pay attention to how many times she hits snooze on that biological clock!

While there are so many options nowadays, many of them are costly.  To freeze your eggs will run you about the cost of a Honda Civic the first year and then you’d have to pay annually for daycare of your mini mes to keep them on ice.   Thereafter, ensues throwing the dice on whether the eggs survive the thaw.  Lots to consider, here.

Hitting snooze after 35 comes with an enormous amount of pressure from just about everyone like family, medical providers, and family…  (I said family twice: intentionally).  It’s almost as if you have a shelf life, like a gallon of milk that’s about to expire.  I have anxiety just thinking about it!

First and foremost, the most important question one should ask herself is, “am I doing this because I was told I am supposed to do it before it is too late?  Or am I doing this because this is what I want at this time in my life?”  Also, if it doesn’t happen naturally or through IVF, there are so many children in this world who need loving parents and a home.  Adopting can be a less expensive alternative.  Perhaps even fostering a child for a while may be something to consider before adopting outright.

When you’re being told your biological clock sounds like the drum line in a marching band, remember that you have plenty of options and making life altering decisions because you are being pressured to isn’t the healthiest or most rewarding approach to anything in life.  Definitely do your research and make the decision on your own terms.  Below are some links to check out, if you’re interested in getting an over view of options.  If you have anything to add, please get on the soap box!

7 things every woman should know before freezing her eggs

ADOPT FROM THE UNITED STATES

It’s difficult to draw the line at what is acceptable or intolerable when you have let a loved one carry on for a (long) while. We can put up with a person’s behavior or a relationship dynamic by deciding that this is just part of their personality.  Often times we adjust ourselves and our behaviors – we may even adjust the amount of time we spend with the person to be able to function in the dysfunction.

Small doses, please.

Or some of us may even confuse putting up with certain things as a display of love.   This can lead to what is called the Martyr Complex.  The ever dutiful, loving, loyal ride or die who will eventually die trying to gain affirmation and approval and feeling hurt and let down along the way.

“The more you suffer shows them that you really care, right? Yeah!“ – OFFSPRING SELF ESTEEM

One of the biggest dilemmas we can face in relationship dynamics when to stay or walk away. Everyone is different and therefore toleration levels may vary from person to person.  One thing may be a complete deal breaker to one person while the very same thing may not be such a big deal to another.  That threshold of when to say when needs to be gauged on an individual level.  When that threshold is gauged and it is reached, it’s time to disengage.

6 warning signs are:

1. Feeling drained
2. Feel used
3. Feeling tired
4. Feeling afraid of expressing how you feel
5. Feeling afraid of saying no
6. Being passive to maintain a peaceful environment

If at least two of these warning signs resonate with you, perhaps it is time to identify where the line is and assess whether your loved one has crossed it so you do not continue to deplete yourself.  It may sound scary at face value, but honestly, it would hurt a lot less and take a lot less energy than to carry on in such a relationship dynamic.  Feeling like you might be getting there or you may be there already?   Let’s chat.

Thoughts?  I’m all ears.  Drop me line!

There is a certain type of friend; you know who I’m referring to…  that friend whose support, comforts and encouragement can be felt with just their mere presence. They can make you feel like you can do anything and make even the saddest or infuriating moments the funniest.  They remind you that you can be anything.  They shoulder some of your problems, perhaps your responsibilities at times… they ride or die with you.  They may even be a parent, a sibling, kin, fictive kin (no DNA relation), coworker, or mentor.

That friend is always strong and courageous with the toughest of life’s challenges because perhaps they had no other choice to be that way; despite it all they come through for you.  It isn’t because everything is perfect as we all process our challenges, trials, and tribulations differently.  For some challenges, trials and tribulations are like the stars in the daytime.  Just because you cannot see them doesn’t mean that they are not there.

While they may be a source of all things possible… and the wind beneath your wings, and may seem fearless and impermeable to you, remember that they are still human; just like you.    That friend is still subject to experiencing all the same things as you.  Every now and again, although it may not seem like they may need it, but encourage them and remind them how much they matter to you because they too are fighting their own battles although they say nothing about them. 

If you have that certain type of friend, let them know today how much they mean to you.  Ask them how they are and ask about their day.  Wait to hear the answer.  Simply checking in can replenish the energy needed to fight the battles they don’t discuss.

Rejection is one of those complicated emotions that can vacate common sense and logic while debilitating self-esteem.  Like paying taxes and death, it is inevitable that we will experience rejection in some, if not all areas of our lives at one point or another.

THE TRUTH

Rejection is one of the very first emotions we deal with during our developmental years.  Whether it is for affection from our parents over a sibling, or we didn’t make the team, or a group of friends on the playground: we all can access some incident in our memory where felt rejected, marginalized or left out.

Some sink and some swim… Whether you were Regina George or not…  you will encounter a struggle with rejection on some level or another academically, professionally or most commonly, personally/romantically.

HOW DO WE DEAL?

There is a massive misconception that it’s somehow a phase that we will grow out of and that is categorically NOT TRUE and this fallacy is immensely destructive.  Psychology Today sites that rejection creates surges of anger and aggression.  We have seen how rejection can manifest in schools and post offices many times over throughout the years and still these end results beg the question.  How do we deal?

There is an internalization for rejection that can shatter the rejected person’s state of self-worth particularly if the value they place on themselves was not very high to begin with.  The anger and aggression comes from having taken an unsuccessful risk.

WHAT DO WE DO?

There are quite a few things that we can do to address the feeling of rejection but the most effective is to change how you feel about rejection because when someone rejects you, it usually has very little to do with you.

Naturally, it doesn’t seem that way we because by nature we believe that we garner some kind of control over others and that we can some how *win them over.  In turn, it becomes a vicious cycle of self loathing.  Why?  Because when we adopt the mindset that there is something that we can do to reverse rejection, it becomes a dangerous game leveraging your self-worth to no end and much like gambler, betting more and more each time to nullify the previous loss to no avail leaving nothing accept anger and aggression.

THIS TOO, SHALL PASS

It may pass like a kidney stone, but nonetheless…. Rather than spending time attempting to win a person over, spending time with people who love and accept you can comfort you and ease the pain of rejection.  If the feeling of rejection is more severe, perhaps talking to someone who does not know you at all can help you get to the square root of what triggers that feeling. Any thoughts?  Please do share!

Many of us know by the time we wake up, what daily tasks are ahead of us and how much we are (not) looking forward to tackling them.  We do our daily mechanical tasks to prepare for the day but do we really take hold and manage our mornings?

Why is Morning Management Important?

It sets the tone for the day.  Duh!…  Not just in a “time” and “task” oriented way, but psychologically and emotionally.  Imagine yourself like a computer… When you turn a computer on.. it does what?  It needs a few moments to boot up, right?  You’re not that much different from a computer in that regard.  No one springs out of bed and into their daily routine like a Jack-In-the- Box!

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed….

Waking up after half a dozen snooze button taps, scratching your head, butt, while yawning and trying to recall that strange dream before showering and guzzling coffee to facilitate the energy to chase a (school) bus or to battle traffic isn’t exactly morning management.  It’s almost lunchtime before you gain your wits about you if you you follow this routine regularly.

    1. Gratitude

As soon as you plant both feet on the floor and before you push off your bed to stand up, think of 5 things you are grateful for:  say them out loud if it doesn’t disturb anyone else.  Who says Thanksgiving is an annual thing?  Why not give thanks for each day?  Whether it is health, family, friends, career… or simply waking up to see another day…  5 things off the top of your head…  Puts things in perspective.  For those who are religious, thank God for the day.  It’s a short prayer but effective prayer.

     2.  Compliment Yourself

I know this may sound silly to some, but complimenting yourself… or having some daily affirmations go a long way.  It helps to feel good about yourself.   Find at least one good thing to say yourself:  Self, I find that really awesome about you!  Do this daily.  When you feel good, it’s contagious.  Raise your vibration before leaving the house.  It could be anything like “wow what nice teeth you have” while brushing them, or “you are a fantastic cook” while making breakfast… whatever you fancy.. acknowledge yourself.

    3.  Stretch and Breathe

I’m not saying go full downward dog or anything but raise your hands to sky and bend over and touch your toes a couple times.  Take a couple deep breaths to get the blood circulating and the oxygen flowing through the lungs and to the brain so that morning fogginess clears up fast and you can think clearer.  You can do this while watching the weather or the news headlines…  Got kids?  Do it with them.  It’s a quick quality time exercise that is a good habit to instill in them.  Hook `em while they’re young!

    4.  Say I Love you

We all feel it, but do we say it?  Let a loved one know you love them in the morning and wish them a good day.  If you live alone, text a loved one, a BFF, or wave and wish a neighbor or the deli clerk a good day.  Sounds insignificant but smiles and good vibes are contagious  if you let your guard down and are open to them.  If possible, get into the habit of talking to a positive and motivating person every morning. An exchange positivity goes along way throughout the day. It just makes the manic mornings a bit more… manageable.

     5.  Listen to Positive Music / Speakers or Silence..

Not every tune with a catchy beat should be played at all hours of the day.  If you’re in traffic and you’re in the Trap House, it may produce and entirely different vibe and reaction to the traffic pattern than listening to lyrics that wouldn’t make your eyes pop out of your head of a 5 year old repeated the lyrics.

Another alternative is to listen to a good motivational speaker or sermon in the morning.

Taking for 15 minutes in the morning without music at all to clear my head.  Puts you in a neutral disposition and prepares you to take on the day and whatever comes your way without the influence of some catchy tune that might influence your disposition in not-so-positive way.

Do you manage your mornings?  Or do you just follow a routine?  Let us know!