All you have to do is follow this blog (if you haven’t already) and then follow the Instagram at Lolita_Says and tag two people in at least two posts that resonate with you. There will be a drawing held on August 1, 2019 and the winner will receive this amazing gift set of handmade artisan skin care. Bon Chance, everyone!
Breaking up isn’t so hard to do. Moving forward can be hard to do because of the displacement of routine. The adjustment period can cause panic and relationship recidivism (don’t go back). Familiarity is the enemy in this context, for sure.
Post break up, there’s this phase I like to call relationship purgatory (at least, I imagine this is what purgatory might feel like). It’s over. It’s for the best; and yet, your emotions may still be high, you may still be mad, hurt, annoyed, sad, etc. You have a whole mosh pit of feelings percolating while attempting to go about your day. The agony, for real!
Back in the day “out of sight, out of mind” technique was quite effective. Nowadays, not so much (thanks, social media)! How does one get through the… “space between” EX and Next? Trust me, it’s a real thing, Dave Matthews Band will tell ya! There are some effective techniques however, they may be challenging for the weak willed.
The no contact rule is usually invoked when engaged in full on yo-yo make up to break up relationship dynamics. In this specific scenario, if everything has been said and done… there is nothing more to provide besides dead air. Reiterating all the transgressions and how it made you feel will yield nothing good. Might I suggest writing a no holds barred letter to release all the toxicity
and pain, reading it, and burning it. I know, I know it sounds a bit 80’s movie cliché, but still cathartic nonetheless. Not to mention, you spare yourself from dousing salt on your wounds by an encore confrontation.
If no contact is not an option, minimizing contact to a need be basis is the next best thing. Some of you may have children or pets in common or work together etc. Keep it to bare minimum, and stay on the topic at hand. It’s hard, but it’s possible and effective.
Start a Journal
Writing down how you feel each day is great for personal growth and it’s an excellent way to get into your own head to assess and reflect on the relationship dynamic. Starting a journal is self-discovery in print. You’ll get to know more about yourself and what makes you tick. That’s super important because the most important relationship you can have with another human being is yourself. You must love yourself. Understand yourself and nurture yourself when needed. Getting to really know who you are gives you a better understanding of your wants and needs which is extremely important in this experience we call life. This is where your threshold for bullshit will be revealed. This is where your boundaries or lack thereof will be exposed.
I know, I know. Working is not always fun, but it has many benefits. Aside from looking great and slimming down, those endorphins fight depression and make you feel good. You feel accomplished and full of energy. Whether you are lifting or you are chasing a runner’s high, working out is a tremendous help to fill the gap. With so many fitness classes out there, you are bound to like at least one! What a way to transition out of the old familiar routine when you were coupled up. You can meet new people and instead of sweating the small stuff, you sweat out the bad stuff and get a new and improved figure while you’re at it!
Update Your Look
Not sound vain, or anything, but a nice appearance makes you feel good. If you cannot afford to go on a shopping spree, that’s cool. Update your hair, or brows or nails… take your pick. However brazen or subtle the update, it can be a good boost out of that relationship purgatory space. A sprinkle of confidence and positivity goes a long way,… it’s good to have while navigating through that space between Ex and Next.
ONE MORE THING: Spend time with your friends — I mean really spend time with your friends. Take the time to hang out and curb the relationship talk. Go out and do stuff and make it about them and not the final episode of your relationship. Allow your friends to support you through this time by introducing some fun in your life. Flying solo could stink, particularly if you were out of practice because you were in a long-term relationship but it doesn’t have to ALL the time.
Volunteering is good for the soul. As individuals, we all have unique talents and expertise in one area or another. Displaying our talents and expertise allows us the opportunity to contribute to our community. You’re making a difference, by helping to make others feel good which makes you feel good too! That’s huge!
What a way to hone in on individual growth! Volunteering with an organization is a great way to enhance your outlook and world view. You learn more about the community you serve, and you also learn more about yourself in the process. We are creatures of evolution (most of us any way). The experience can help shape a better version of yourself. Who knows? You may discover a new talent. Be your best self!
Make some friends
Volunteering is a great way to meet people from all walks of life. Often times, people form solid lasting bonds with each other through the volunteering experience. We all could use genuine connections with others that are positive and motivating. After a certain age, we get set in our ways and we all claim it’s so hard to meet genuine, nice folks… perhaps it is because they are out doing their part in making the world a better place… It’s just a theory. If you test it out, be sure to come back let me know!
There are so many reasons why a woman can find herself old enough to run for president and not yet ready to have a baby. The top three reasons are relationship status, career, or health.
With the stay at home family model as common as, say a griffin or unicorn in our society, we are all the breadwinners pulling the same amount of long hours and dealing with insurmountable stressors that may not be equivalent but definitely relative to our daily disposition and capabilities. There is no such thing as a part time mom even when you work full time.
Women spend the majority of their child bearing years establishing themselves with education and their careers these days. Those fortunate enough to meet their partners early on may have the advantage to having children, but the single career woman may have to pay attention to how many times she hits snooze on that biological clock!
While there are so many options nowadays, many of them are costly. To freeze your eggs will run you about the cost of a Honda Civic the first year and then you’d have to pay annually for daycare of your mini mes to keep them on ice. Thereafter, ensues throwing the dice on whether the eggs survive the thaw. Lots to consider, here.
Hitting snooze after 35 comes with an enormous amount of pressure from just about everyone like family, medical providers, and family… (I said family twice: intentionally). It’s almost as if you have a shelf life, like a gallon of milk that’s about to expire. I have anxiety just thinking about it!
First and foremost, the most important question one should ask herself is, “am I doing this because I was told I am supposed to do it before it is too late? Or am I doing this because this is what I want at this time in my life?” Also, if it doesn’t happen naturally or through IVF, there are so many children in this world who need loving parents and a home. Adopting can be a less expensive alternative. Perhaps even fostering a child for a while may be something to consider before adopting outright.
When you’re being told your biological clock sounds like the drum line in a marching band, remember that you have plenty of options and making life altering decisions because you are being pressured to isn’t the healthiest or most rewarding approach to anything in life. Definitely do your research and make the decision on your own terms. Below are some links to check out, if you’re interested in getting an over view of options. If you have anything to add, please get on the soap box!
It’s difficult to draw the line at what is acceptable or intolerable when you have let a loved one carry on for a (long) while. We can put up with a person’s behavior or a relationship dynamic by deciding that this is just part of their personality. Often times we adjust ourselves and our behaviors – we may even adjust the amount of time we spend with the person to be able to function in the dysfunction.
Small doses, please.
Or some of us may even confuse putting up with certain things as a display of love. This can lead to what is called the Martyr Complex. The ever dutiful, loving, loyal ride or die who will eventually die trying to gain affirmation and approval and feeling hurt and let down along the way.
One of the biggest dilemmas we can face in relationship dynamics when to stay or walk away. Everyone is different and therefore toleration levels may vary from person to person. One thing may be a complete deal breaker to one person while the very same thing may not be such a big deal to another. That threshold of when to say when needs to be gauged on an individual level. When that threshold is gauged and it is reached, it’s time to disengage.
6 warning signs are:
Feeling afraid of expressing how you feel
Feeling afraid of saying no
Being passive to maintain a peaceful environment
If at least two of these warning signs resonate with you, perhaps it is time to identify where the line is and assess whether your loved one has crossed it so you do not continue to deplete yourself. It may sound scary at face value, but honestly, it would hurt a lot less and take a lot less energy than to carry on in such a relationship dynamic. Feeling like you might be getting there or you may be there already? Let’s chat.
There is a certain type of friend; you know who I’m referring to… that friend whose support, comforts and encouragement can be felt with just their mere presence. They can make you feel like you can do anything and make even the saddest or infuriating moments the funniest. They remind you that you can be anything. They shoulder some of your problems, perhaps your responsibilities at times… they ride or die with you. They may even be a parent, a sibling, kin, fictive kin (no DNArelation), coworker, or mentor.
That friend is always strong and courageous with the toughest of life’s challenges because perhaps they had no other choice to be that way; despite it all they come through for you. It isn’t because everything is perfect as we all process our challenges, trials, and tribulations differently. For some challenges, trials and tribulations are like the stars in the daytime. Just because you cannot see them doesn’t mean that they are not there.
While they may be a source of all things possible… and the wind beneath your wings, and may seem fearless and impermeable to you, remember that they are still human; just like you. That friend is still subject to experiencing all the same things as you. Every now and again, although it may not seem like they may need it, but encourage them and remind them how much they matter to you because they too are fighting their own battles although they say nothing about them.
If you have that certain type of friend, let them know today how much they mean to you. Ask them how they are and ask about their day. Wait to hear the answer. Simply checking in can replenish the energy needed to fight the battles they don’t discuss.
Rejection is one of those complicated emotions that can vacate common sense and logic while debilitating self-esteem. Like paying taxes and death, it is inevitable that we will experience rejection in some, if not all areas of our lives at one point or another.
Rejection is one of the very first emotions we deal with during our developmental years. Whether it is for affection from our parents over a sibling, or we didn’t make the team, or a group of friends on the playground: we all can access some incident in our memory where felt rejected, marginalized or left out.
Some sink and some swim… Whether you were Regina George or not… you will encounter a struggle with rejection on some level or another academically, professionally or most commonly, personally/romantically.
HOW DO WE DEAL?
There is a massive misconception that it’s somehow a phase that we will grow out of and that is categorically NOT TRUE and this fallacy is immensely destructive. Psychology Today sites that rejection creates surges of anger and aggression. We have seen how rejection can manifest in schools and post offices many times over throughout the years and still these end results beg the question. How do we deal?
There is an internalization for rejection that can shatter the rejected person’s state of self-worth particularly if the value they place on themselves was not very high to begin with. The anger and aggression comes from having taken an unsuccessful risk.
WHAT DO WE DO?
There are quite a few things that we can do to address the feeling of rejection but the most effective is to change how you feel about rejection because when someone rejects you, it usually has very little to do with you.
Naturally, it doesn’t seem that way we because by nature we believe that we garner some kind of control over others and that we can some how *win them over. In turn, it becomes a vicious cycle of self loathing. Why? Because when we adopt the mindset that there is something that we can do to reverse rejection, it becomes a dangerous game leveraging your self-worth to no end and much like gambler, betting more and more each time to nullify the previous loss to no avail leaving nothing accept anger and aggression.
THIS TOO, SHALL PASS
It may pass like a kidney stone, but nonetheless…. Rather than spending time attempting to win a person over, spending time with people who love and accept you can comfort you and ease the pain of rejection. If the feeling of rejection is more severe, perhaps talking to someone who does not know you at all can help you get to the square root of what triggers that feeling. Any thoughts? Please do share!
Many of us know by the time we wake up, what daily tasks are ahead of us and how much we are (not) looking forward to tackling them. We do our daily mechanical tasks to prepare for the day but do we really take hold and manage our mornings?
Why is Morning Management Important?
It sets the tone for the day. Duh!… Not just in a “time” and “task” oriented way, but psychologically and emotionally. Imagine yourself like a computer… When you turn a computer on.. it does what? It needs a few moments to boot up, right? You’re not that much different from a computer in that regard. No one springs out of bed and into their daily routine like a Jack-In-the- Box!
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed….
Waking up after half a dozen snooze button taps, scratching your head, butt, while yawning and trying to recall that strange dream before showering and guzzling coffee to facilitate the energy to chase a (school) bus or to battle traffic isn’t exactly morning management. It’s almost lunchtime before you gain your wits about you if you you follow this routine regularly.
As soon as you plant both feet on the floor and before you push off your bed to stand up, think of 5 things you are grateful for: say them out loud if it doesn’t disturb anyone else. Who says Thanksgiving is an annual thing? Why not give thanks for each day? Whether it is health, family, friends, career… or simply waking up to see another day… 5 things off the top of your head… Puts things in perspective. For those who are religious, thank God for the day. It’s a short prayer but effective prayer.
2. Compliment Yourself
I know this may sound silly to some, but complimenting yourself… or having some daily affirmations go a long way. It helps to feel good about yourself. Find at least one good thing to say yourself: Self, I find that really awesome about you! Do this daily. When you feel good, it’s contagious. Raise your vibration before leaving the house. It could be anything like “wow what nice teeth you have” while brushing them, or “you are a fantastic cook” while making breakfast… whatever you fancy.. acknowledge yourself.
3. Stretch and Breathe
I’m not saying go full downward dog or anything but raise your hands to sky and bend over and touch your toes a couple times. Take a couple deep breaths to get the blood circulating and the oxygen flowing through the lungs and to the brain so that morning fogginess clears up fast and you can think clearer. You can do this while watching the weather or the news headlines… Got kids? Do it with them. It’s a quick quality time exercise that is a good habit to instill in them. Hook `em while they’re young!
4. Say I Love you
We all feel it, but do we say it? Let a loved one know you love them in the morning and wish them a good day. If you live alone, text a loved one, a BFF, or wave and wish a neighbor or the deli clerk a good day. Sounds insignificant but smiles and good vibes are contagious if you let your guard down and are open to them. If possible, get into the habit of talking to a positive and motivating person every morning. An exchange positivity goes along way throughout the day. It just makes the manic mornings a bit more… manageable.
5. Listen to Positive Music / Speakers or Silence..
Not every tune with a catchy beat should be played at all hours of the day. If you’re in traffic and you’re in the Trap House, it may produce and entirely different vibe and reaction to the traffic pattern than listening to lyrics that wouldn’t make your eyes pop out of your head of a 5 year old repeated the lyrics.
Another alternative is to listen to a good motivational speaker or sermon in the morning.
Taking for 15 minutes in the morning without music at all to clear my head. Puts you in a neutral disposition and prepares you to take on the day and whatever comes your way without the influence of some catchy tune that might influence your disposition in not-so-positive way.
Do you manage your mornings? Or do you just follow a routine? Let us know!
We all walk around stuck in our own heads with an idea of how things should be and how people should behave. When it comes to relationships, we all have our personal check list of requirements. We all generally, or usually, want the same things… Our standards are set and we have a very good idea of who we are willing to invest in, BUT, how many of us meet our very own standards?
My cousin hit me with a haymaker of thought provocation as I scrambled to honestly answer this simple question:
Would you be in a serious relationship with yourself?
It didn’t take long for the epiphany that I have severe relationship myopia. After clarifying my specific needs and wants in a relationship and comparing what it is that I am willing to give, it was painfully clear that I was in great deficit in comparison. When it came to my list of expectations, it was much like a laundry list; where as, what I am willing to bring to the table could fit on a Post-It.
So, what is wrong with this picture? Plenty. Everyone wants their suitor to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. However, no one wants to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. This begs the question: how does one expect to obtain and maintain a healthy and successful relationship with such acute myopia?
Be the change you want to see in your relationship.
At this juncture, it is imperative to do a little introspection and do an idiot check on myself. Next to each line item of expectation, I note whether I do or am capable of meeting that expectation myself. It’s quite an interesting self assessment and I am learning a lot about what I need to work on as an individual to become better and stronger in all my relationships. This process may not be fun or pretty, but it proves to be valuable.
Even if you are currently in a relationship, if things are going a bit left and you’re not getting on as much, perhaps doing a quick Idiot Checklist is not a bad idea. You may learn a thing or two.
This conversation comes up quite frequently among the younger generation in my family. With some of the young women, it can quickly turn into a spirited debate. Somewhere amidst the barrage of hypsersexualized Barbie ™ body types, comic book super hero body types, and the motion picture special effects make up application techniques, beauty has become convoluted.
Sexy is intended to affect desire; where as, pretty is all encompassing. While one can be both beautiful and sexy, hypersexualization can eclipse aspects of beauty because it can incite primal reactions and responses. Hypersexualization can cause the reptile brain to kick in.
Is being sexy a bad thing? No. However, it’s imperative to make the distinction that sexy and beautiful are not one and the same – no matter what your social media feed and feedback may imply.
Beauty is all encompassing. Beauty is multidimensional. A beautiful person’s spirit shines through their eyes and their energy can cause people to yearn to be in their presence. It is not a sexual yearning. Beauty comes from the inside and makes others feel good on the inside. Beauty is not based on appearance alone.
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness
It all boils down to personal preference of what kind of attention one would like to garner. While there is nothing wrong with either, there is an absolute distinction that far too many people are unaware of.