Month: August 2019

While listening to a sermon today, the speaker had said something really profound:

Some people interpret ‘move’ to mean ‘leave.’  To move – as in the context of “moving” differently yields change.  No one particularly likes change.  Why?  Because change feels like loss.  And therefore, we can experience adversity.

This adversity has very little to do with us or anything that we have done, per say.  It has to do with the selfish part of others who would like for you to remain the same for their own comfort.

Comfort Zones Kill!  Here’s the Top 7 on the Comfort Zone Hit List:

1. Faith
2. Hopes
3. Dreams
4. Creativity
5. Positivity
6. Progression
7. Finding True Life Purpose

 

At risk of digression, I would like to leave you with this thought:  One thing about our Universe, is that it is constantly moving.  It is the natural order of things.  Even when you are asleep, your thoughts are constantly moving and creating motion pictures in your mind:  we call them dreams.  Waking life is no different!  We are constantly moving! Nothing stays the same!  Moving does not necessarily mean leaving.  One must move differently to attain goals.  It’s called discipline.   Discipline does yield change, which is not loss, but an improvement from your original circumstance.  It can be a lonely road, at first (times), but with faith and perseverance, the transformation yields reward beyond you wildest dreams!  Can you think of anything you would like to move toward?  Can you think of anything you fear of leaving?

 

Drop a comment or E-mail if this post speaks to you!

Adulting can be quite the challenge!   As we evolve, define ourselves, and discover what drives us, it can have a profound effect on our lifestyles.  In turn, our priorities, values, and responsibilities may change drastically in comparison to some of our friends and companions.   Adjusting to new roles and responsibilities may consequently onset feelings of being left out of the group.  Sometimes, these feelings may fester and take a severe negative toll on relationships.   Things like marriage, children, careers, education, or perhaps a loved one falling ill, can shift the relationship dynamic.  While it may seem out of whack, and people feeling neglected, it’s about perspective and recognizing different stages of life warrant recognition, understanding and adjustment.

 

Recognition

Any one of those major life stages will be a lifestyle game changer.  No amount of nostalgia will change that.  Recognizing that things have changed, allowing some time to adjust, and communicating makes all the difference.  Comparing how hectic our lives are in comparison to another to justify our position in the shift of the relationship dynamic is not the way.  It breeds contempt.  Acknowledging that things have changed and we are still feeling our way around until we get the hang of marriage, or children, or that promotion, or grad school or succumbing to having to cope with caring for someone who is ill is ALL taxing.   Pointing that our circumstance is far more challenging that someone else’s, diminishes their experience and causes a major disconnect.  Rather, explaining our experience and asking about the experience of others keeps the platform of communication in tact and the possibility of maintaining support and a sounding board remains.

Understanding

 

It may sound redundant, but EVERYONE’S LIFE PATH IS DIFFERENT.  Our life paths may be similar at times, but still, different.  Our backgrounds, levels of understanding, and perspective will be different.  At best, similar… definitely not the same.  Therefore, making assumptions of what someone else is going through and judging by the way you perceive it – without taking the time to let them express what is happening in their life will most likely breed contempt and yield fights and fall-outs.  Taking some time to understand what is happening and making the effort to “meet our loved ones where they are” can go a long way and perhaps yield reciprocation.

Adjustment

Rejection is the square root of feeling left out.  Just because things have changed and perhaps time becomes an issue or frequency in spending time together may be an issue:  maybe a new person has entered the dynamic and it upset the pecking order… that doesn’t mean there is one less seat at the round table.  Perhaps it may take a little longer for the time and attention that was once abundant prior to the change in dynamic, a good way to compensate is to max out on the quality time we get when we get it.  Make sure our encounters are genuine, positive, and supportive of each other.  Certainly, any relationship of any sort will have its ups and downs and there will be times where the only way we can make it through a rough patch is adjusting our settings, our boundaries, etc…  what we needed out of a relationship at 7 is worlds away from what we need at 27, 37 or 47… Lack of communication can turn a crack into a chasm.  Good friends are hard to come by: fight like hell to keep them!

Til’ Next Time!

Yesterday, I had a conversation with a man in his mid to late 30s.   He said he couldn’t stand people and most of them were horrible – particularly the people he socially interacted with (dated) in his community.  He went on for quite a while.  I let him release what he had pent up inside.  He said he longed for the days of his 20s because he was single; he is currently the only single person among his immediate age group both personally and professionally.

He said if ever he did get married, it be out of obligation, or just to “fit in;” but in reality, it just wasn’t something he ever aspired to do.  I asked him, “what is it that you aspire to do?”  He said he didn’t know.  All he knew was that his best years were gone.  He didn’t think past his 20s and those were the “Glory Days.”  I was silent for a moment.  Then I said asked him: “is that what you have decided?” and he said to me, “what do you mean?”  I responded, “how could you know that your 20s were your ‘Glory Days’ when you have the whole rest of your life to live?”  He was quiet.  “Well, everything sucks right now,” he grumbled.  I said this to him:

Perhaps things seem to suck right now because things are changing.  Nothing ever stays the same.  When you find yourself in a situation where everything has changed around you and you are longing for the past, the only direction you can go before going forward is inward.  Life is full of possibilities, but how can you see the possibilities before you when you are looking behind you and glamorizing the past?

Change feels like loss for many and as a result many tend to avoid change until they are forced to, and by that time, change is involuntary and more painful than it needs to be.  The past appears more appealing thus facilitating a stagnant feeling of despair and isolation.  It does not have to be that way.  There is a way out.  We are not created to remain the same, but to evolve throughout this journey we call life one day at a time, person at a time, experience at a time.

CORINTHIANS 13:11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, felt like a child, reasoned like a child: when I became a man, I put from me childish ways.

Things do change and that is beyond our control.  Also, things can be more fulfilling in ways one couldn’t have dreamed possible.  Whether we savor a moment or not, it will pass… as we grow older, we will have to redefine ourselves at each juncture:  as teens, young adults, adults, seniors and elderly….  All very distinct experiences in which one cannot carry the previous mind set and consciousness into the succeeding experience…

YES!  It’s a thing!  It may sound bizarre that anyone would need a digital detox, but social media can be quite addicting in the physiological sense of the word.  It has been scientifically proven there is a relationship with production of dopamine and social media approval/interaction.

“Dopamine, Smartphones and You: A battle for your time”  is a Harvard study conducted by Trevor Haynes who describes how likes from a social media post produces the same high as gambling or illicit drugs.  Because we get a dopamine hit from the likes, it’s easy to see how we can get caught up in what’s called a feedback loop.   Naturally we all want to do what feels good as much as possible.

And naturally, too much of anything is bad for you.  You take too many vitamins (which are good for you) at one time, it could lead you to the ER getting your stomach pumped.  So… everything *including use of social media should be used in moderation: but how much is too much!?!?!  Let’s look at five signs you need a digital detox.

        1. Constantly Story Watching

We all have an account we follow that encompasses the fabulous life.  Whether it’s the ambiguously employed jet setting it girl wearing an outfit that costs the price of a brand new mid-sized sedan, the guy that looks like He-Man in the flesh posting his workouts or the inspirational yogi doing her Namaste thing at a temple in Bali. Shout out to to Kellie Paxian.

Living the life so vicariously that your own life is lackluster or you have stopped living your own life because you are watching these folks on daily on demand is dangerous because you may begin to compare your life to theirs which can lead you down a road to depression.

       2.  Upset When Someone Doesn’t Like Your Picture

Back in the day… It was MySpace’s Top 8 what was the demise of friendships!

If you constantly find yourself in a “stop walking and use both thumbs”type of text exchange over who is in a picture, or if you didn’t answer a phone call or text but liked or commented on someone’s post.  It’s probably time to put your account on time out.  It could be you were ignoring the person, OR it could also be you were so wrapped up in your social media you didn’t notice your real friends wanted to talk or hang out in real life.  It sounds silly on paper, but just as people vied for the number 1 spot in the Myspace Top 8 back in the day… People are vying for those likes and that audience in the story.  In any event, if your arguments are stemming from that direction, you may want to unplug before your real life relationships are compromised. P.S. I miss you Tom!

      3.  When You Are Reading Too Much Into Posts

Granted, many people do mistake social media as a personal diary proceeding to rant, rave, vent, air out dirty laundry and out others’ business.  Perhaps that would build a good case as to why one would assume a meme or a post is some sort of indirect jab at them.  However, if you find yourself scrolling through your timeline and landing on a meme that is generally funny but you cannot shake the feeling it was aimed at you: may be time to forfeit the virtual reality for actual reality and reconnect with your loved ones in person and in real time.  You get no where fast with passive aggressiveness and spending too much time on web being passive aggressive is a breeding ground for all things negative and ultimately bring you down.

4.  Excessive Scrolling and Posting

We all do it!  Yes that’s true.  However, if you are glued to your device during work/school hours, in the presence of family and friends or at the dinner table without coming up for air, that is a major indication that you go swept up in the feedback loop and you may have to bail on the social media until you get your bearings and are able to function in reality and virtual reality without neglecting your responsibilities and your loved ones.  While social media has become an extension of our existence, you can gauge whether your use of social media is illicit by those who spend the most time with you.  If you have gotten a verbal warning or written up at work because it,…well this one goes out to you.  Detox…  immediately!

     5.  Negative Feedback Loop Ruins Your Day

Some posts may be hits and some, not so much… but if a post falls below your like average, and you find yourself feeling the way you would feel if you got rejected by someone you have the hots for, then it is a very clear indication you need to take a break from it all and cultivate organic interactions for a few days.