May 2020 – Much to Think About Nothing

Self-care, me time, being selfish: all have very negative connotations; ironically, these negative connotations resonate with those who need it most. Most of us have never learned the sweet spot within the bounds of the selflessness/selfishness continuum and therefore fall somewhere outside of the healthy parameters.

Being out of Bounds

People of a giving and nurturing nature tend to be out of bounds when it comes to the selflessness/selfishness continuum. Why? because of their aversion to selfishness. Perhaps the concept of selfishness may inspire feelings of guilt, or feelings of rejection. It may be a concept that is just completely foreign due to cultural mores that have shaped an individual. Whatever the root of the aversion may be, it can pose a serious health risk (mental, physical, emotional – all of the above).

Continually giving and nurturing without replenishing can have devastating effects, like for example:

Stress
Decreased Immune System
Triggering of Underlying Health Conditions
Insomnia
Depression/Irritability

These symptoms are all interdependent. When we run on fumes doing what we do, our stress level increases, which over produces hormones like Cortisol – which, in turn, lowers the threshold of our immune system and triggering underlying health issues like: blood pressure, gastric flare ups, migraines, and fatigue. Stress can keep us up at night and if we are awake, our body is not getting sufficient rest needed to strengthen the immune system. Feeling yucky gives us a yucky attitude which is the perfect breeding ground for strife with all who come in contact with us. It’s a vicious cycle and bumpy ride that can go on for years until we reach the point of no return with our health. It is crucial to make sure we are not on this runaway train.

Is selfishness a bad thing?

Definition of selfish

1 : concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others 2 : arising from concern with one’s own welfare or advantage in disregard of others.

Notice how self-care is no where mentioned in this definition. Why? Because caring for yourself and being selfish are not the same thing! This is a major misconception that inspires all sorts of feelings that avert us from taking care of ourselves. I encourage you all to research for yourselves What Self-Care Is – and What it Isn’t.

Caring for self

I could provide a list from 1-10 on how to start caring for yourself, but instead, I will invoke the tried and true K.I.S.S. method. Keep It Simple Stupid. Start small by listening to your body and getting rest by avoiding collapsing into bed and making sleep a priority and before you do anything, have the same exact conversation that you would with someone you love. If you’re about to do something that you would advise your loved one not to do because they have been “burning the candle at both ends,” then don’t do it. Treat yourself as well as you treat your loved ones. If you need a starting point on how to construct a self-care routine, you can start here 14 Tips for Creating a Self-Care Routine to Nourish Your Body and Soul.

When a relationship has run its course, the cracks begin to show along with all the energy spent filling the cracks and/or over looking them. When the relationship comes to an end, it can leave one person feeling as though they may have wasted their time, energy and love on the other because the relationship wasn’t successful.

Is love ever truly wasted?

We only love as we know how. We love the way we were taught to love. Everyone’s experience is different and therefore, love, as a verb (the act of love), is subjective to a degree. Because love can be subjective, it can cause a great amount of frustration in a relationship and can leave people feeling unloved because the love isn’t reciprocated in the same way it is given. Simply put: it’s like waiting for a ship to arrive at an airport.

If you can relate, take The 5 Love Languages Quiz click here. It will give you an idea of the love language you have. It can help bridge the gap and fill in those cracks. At the very least, it can give you a better idea of how you express your feelings through your actions and gain insight on how other loved ones express theirs.

Unstated norms?

Norms – also subjective. Many of us have this haphazard notion that once we put a label on it, and the status of the relationship changes, our significant other will somehow transform into that ideal of what we believe a relationship partner should look like and act like; moreover, we expect our significant other to just assume the responsibility of making us happy, keeping us happy, and constantly giving us what we want. It’s a myopic relationship paradigm that frustrates happiness to no end.

A myopic relationship paradigm coupled with convoluted love language equals a devastating deficit when the bottom drops out of relationship.

Why isn’t that a waste?

When a relationship doesn’t work – it hurts – no matter what. No one enters any relationship expecting it to fail – even when it’s painfully obvious the relationship is not working.

It is similar to a gambler who keeps losing, but bets bigger each hand in hopes to winning the jackpot. Why do we do this? It’s because love hopes all things. Love and hope go hand in hand. Where there is one, the other is not far off. The capacity to feel and express such complex emotions is a blessing within itself. Relationships are risky and are essentially no different from gambling – that’s true. If anything, the experience, albeit painful, provides personal growth and ultimately demonstrates the inner strength and resilience we would not otherwise have known existed. That is never a waste.