October 2019 – Much to Think About Nothing

Domestic Violence: How aware are we? PT 2: Financial/Economic Abuse

Posted on 16/10/201916/10/2019 by lolitasays

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Financial or Economic Abuse is probably one of the most undercover types of abuse. It can come in many forms and also spans socioeconomic lines. The term, “Financial (Economic) Abuse” may be new to some of you, so before we begin lets get familiar with what it means.

What is Financial/Economic Abuse?

Financial/Economic Abuse is a form of abuse where the finances are used to control, manipulate and/or oppress another person. It can come in many forms:

Withholding or control all access to the finances, purchases and budgeting.
Expecting sex in return for access to the finances or for access to meet basic needs.
Using the partner’s financial information for personal gain (taking out loans without permission).
Deliberately not paying the bills to ruin credit standing.

Financial/Economic Abuse is far more widespread that we think. It is also quite common with the elderly population and their caregiver (family member included).

Why Not Just Leave?

Financial/Economic Abuse is a key factor in the answer to this question because Financial/Economic Abuse is often accompanied by Physical/Emotional/Psychological Abuse. Being able to support oneself, and their children (if they have any) is a very crucial component to survival. Perhaps, there is property or inheritance involved. Often times, disability or terminal illness may be a factor – inability to efficiently be cared for is a vulnerability that can facilitate oppression and abuse. The abuser will wield these vulnerabilities as a weapon.

Taking Advantage

Just because it is your spouse (significant other), or your child, or parent, does not give them the right to withhold your finances, use your name to obtain a loan or some other goods/properties, or demand that you should provide them with something in return. Using threats like: ” it’s your name on the mortgage or lease, so maybe I’ll just stop paying it.” – IS NOT OKAY.

Other forms of Financial/Economic Abuse is when the abuser has total financial control and everything is in their name which could result in having nothing should the relationship end. This can be a very scary reality if someone is in a city where they do not have a support system of their own: no friends, family, job, home, car or money.

Some Financial/Economic Abuse dynamics may involve sex coercion in exchange for basic needs to be met like food, clothing, etc. This type of abuse can occur within any socioeconomic class. There is a level of shame associated with it and therefore, many people suffer in silence as a result.

The National Coalition of Domestic Violence

Below is an excerpt of the Quick Guide: Economic and Financial Abuse by NCDV

Employment-related abuse prevents the victim from earning money by:

Preventing victim from going to work
Sabotaging a victim’s employment
Interfering with a victim’s work performance through harassing activities such as frequent phone calls or unannounced visits
Demanding that the victim quits her/his job
Preventing the victim from looking for jobs or attending job interviews

Prevent Victims from Accessing Existing Funds

Abusers also prevent victims from accessing existing funds by:

Deciding when/how victim can use cash, bank accounts, or credit/debit cards
Forcing victim to give abuser money, ATM cards, or credit cards
Demanding that the lease/mortgage or assets be in the abuser’s name
Using victim’s checkbook, ATM card, or credit/debit cards without the victim’s knowledge
Preventing victim’s access to bank account(s)

Resources

If you would like to learn more about Financial/Economic Abuse or if you believe you or someone you know may need help, please visit the websites listed below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

InCharge Debt Solutions

How to Identify Financial Abuse in a Relationship

Understanding Financial Abuse and Safety Planning

Elder Financial Exploitation

Life

Domestic Violence: How aware are we? PT 1: Emotional Violence

Posted on 08/10/201908/10/2019 by lolitasays

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

In an attempt to provide a conceptual framework of what abuse actually is, and how to identify it, I will be writing a post on each aspect of what encompasses abuse. Abuse is so much more than a man putting his hands on a woman he supposedly loves; while physical abuse is the most conspicuous, there are other types of abuse that are far more nefarious. Today, we will discuss Emotional Abuse which is far more traumatic and the staggering effects can last for years after the relationship has ended.

What is Domestic Violence?

Before we get into it, I would like to preface that Domestic Violence is an archaic term because it spans gender only. A man could be abused by the woman he loves. The violence can occur in a homosexual relationship as well and therefore we must abandon the concept that it is a “man whose being abusive to his female partner.” An abuser can be anyone, any sex or gender. Period! Once we unlearn that stereotypical scenario, it is only fitting to refer to “Domestic Violence” as “Intimate Partner Violence.”

Now that this has been established, please note that the Center for Disease Control and Prevention has classified Intimate Partner Violence as a disease. The CDC cites:

Intimate Partner Violence

Intimate partner violence (IPV) is a serious, preventable public health problem that affects millions of Americans. The term “intimate partner violence” describes physical, sexual, or psychological harm by a current or former partner or spouse. This type of violence can occur among heterosexual or same-sex couples and does not require sexual intimacy.

CDC’s research and programs work to understand the problem of intimate partner violence and prevent it before it begins.

For more information on the CDC cite, please click -> Preventing Intimate Partner Violence

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

This old proverb stands true beyond what we can comprehend when it comes to Intimate Partner Violence. It also begs the question, “how can we prevent it?” Well, the first step to addressing a problem is to identify it. How can we change something if we do not know what it is? When we think about how once humans identified the existence of germs and understood if we didn’t wash our hands, we could be infected, the same concept can be applied to Intimate Partner Violence. When we put it that way, it make sense why it is listed on the CDC as a disease. It can be prevented in all its forms, if we all understand what it is and expand our understanding beyond a person physically assaulting another person. It can also be contagious. We will discuss that at the end of the series.

Identifying Emotional Abuse

Being put down
Making you feel bad about yourself
Being called names
Playing mind games
Making you feel guilty
Humiliation
Questioning your identity
Reinforcing internalized phobias and “isms”

In my opinion, the last two bullet points should have their own category because if we find ourselves questioning our identity and reinforcing internalized phobias, it is a tactic called “GASLIGHTING.” – click to learn more.

I will attempt to make this post as short as possible, but to give you a quick bullet point synopsis from Psychology Today

Gaslighting Symptoms:

1. They tell blatant lies.

“It wasn’t me you saw”

2. They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.

“That’s not me on the video”

3. They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.

“Your mom was right about you.”

4. They wear you down over time.

” I’m the only one who really cares. I’m all you have.”

5. Their actions do not match their words.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ll never do it again.”

6. They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.

“After being called horrific names, you are told you are the best thing that ever happened to them.”

7. They know confusion weakens people.

The amount of effort and energy spent seeking some way to please or gain stability in the dysfunction is exhausting and eventually the exhaustion can turn into surrender.

8. They project.

“You’re cheating on me. You’re lying to me. You’re so disloyal” – but it’s actually them.

9. They try to align people against you.

“See what I have to go through. There’s always drama with him/her. She/he always ruins the moment.”

10. They tell you or others that you are crazy.

“He/she is always paranoid about what I’m doing. She/he is just crazy.”

11. They tell you everyone else is a liar.

“They are all just jealous. They don’t want to see us happy.”

Abusers will often use intimate details we have disclosed to them against us to hurt us or disarm us in an argument without remorse. It becomes a vicious cycle.

It is a natural reaction to attempt to modify our behavior to circumvent an abusive incident. We may attempt to identify their triggers because we believe that if we are proactive and learn to walk on egg shells or avoid doing what set them off, then it won’t happen again. As we continue to do this to no avail, we exhaust ourselves and somehow feel like a failure.

We CANNOT “fix” anyone or “make” them do anything.

We are not responsible for the behavior of others. Just because we love someone does not mean we must endure this behavior. If you would like more information on EMOTIONAL ABUSE, please see the links below that I have provided. If you have the time, please read. This information can be a matter of life and death, if not for you,… perhaps someone you know. Knowing is half the battle.

Forms of Emotional and Verbal Abuse You May Be Overlooking

National Domestic Violence Hotline

What is Gaslighting?

Insidious Goals of Gaslighting

When Is It Emotional Abuse?

Contagion of Violence: Workshop Summary

If you or someone you know are in an emotionally abusive relationship, please visit the National Domestic Hotline or call 800-799-SAFE (7233). This national organization is available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can speak in confidence and they can provide you with a wealth of information. Whether it is for you or someone else you know, please understand there is help out there and you are not alone.

Life

YES: I’m thinking about NO

Posted on 03/10/2019 by lolitasays

A friend of mine posted a very interesting meme the other day. It provoked quite a bit of thought and introspect for me and it also inspired me to share my thoughts with you.

One of the harder things about “Adulting,” I find, is the acquiescing we do for others. We will say, “yes” despite not wanting to. We will do things and put ourselves in situations that we do not enjoy out of some perceived obligation.

Is it really obligation or is it fear?

Although we age and are supposed to become more mature, there is a bit of mob/tribe mentality that follows us. The fear of disappointing someone or not being liked because we say “no” is repackaged in obligation. There is a hefty price to pay as a result: stress, anxiety, energy and time.

When we were younger, we had time and energy to acquiesce to the multitudes of requests and demands from family, teachers and friends; but as we get older, those same 24 hours a day don’t seem to be enough anymore as our YES exceeds our physical, emotional and psychological limits. We neglect ourselves and we ultimately break down.

Some of us may lash out – only to be met with a dumbfounded response and insinuation that we are overacting somehow.

Some of us may grow resentful and engage in passive aggressive behavior; which, ultimately is a toxic vicious cycle from which nothing good can come.

Some of us may suffer in complete silence until our bodies lash out, by way of illness like: high blood pressure, stroke, anxiety attacks, palpitations, insomnia etc.

Is the fear worth it?

Gauging the cost of saying yes to certain people or circumstance, whether it be your family, significant other, or your boss is essential to your well-being. Surely, no one likes to be told no for anything, but in the grander scheme of things, they will understand if you must decline. If they choose not to understand, then CONGRATULATIONS! You have just weeded out someone who has been taking full advantage of your inability to say no and you can implement new boundaries accordingly.

Is it really that hard?

The first time is the hardest. Your second time at the rodeo – not so much and so on and so forth. It is a practice, much like handwriting. You put it the effort and it becomes as effortless as it is to sign your name on the dotted line and you’ll wonder why you didn’t learn this sooner.