All you have to do is follow this blog (if you haven’t already) and then follow the Instagram at Lolita_Says and tag two people in at least two posts that resonate with you. There will be a drawing held on August 1, 2019 and the winner will receive this amazing gift set of handmade artisan skin care. Bon Chance, everyone!
Breaking up isn’t so hard to do. Moving forward can be hard to do because of the displacement of routine. The adjustment period can cause panic and relationship recidivism (don’t go back). Familiarity is the enemy in this context, for sure.
Post break up, there’s this phase I like to call relationship purgatory (at least, I imagine this is what purgatory might feel like). It’s over. It’s for the best; and yet, your emotions may still be high, you may still be mad, hurt, annoyed, sad, etc. You have a whole mosh pit of feelings percolating while attempting to go about your day. The agony, for real!
Back in the day “out of sight, out of mind” technique was quite effective. Nowadays, not so much (thanks, social media)! How does one get through the… “space between” EX and Next? Trust me, it’s a real thing, Dave Matthews Band will tell ya! There are some effective techniques however, they may be challenging for the weak willed.
The no contact rule is usually invoked when engaged in full on yo-yo make up to break up relationship dynamics. In this specific scenario, if everything has been said and done… there is nothing more to provide besides dead air. Reiterating all the transgressions and how it made you feel will yield nothing good. Might I suggest writing a no holds barred letter to release all the toxicity
and pain, reading it, and burning it. I know, I know it sounds a bit 80’s movie cliché, but still cathartic nonetheless. Not to mention, you spare yourself from dousing salt on your wounds by an encore confrontation.
If no contact is not an option, minimizing contact to a need be basis is the next best thing. Some of you may have children or pets in common or work together etc. Keep it to bare minimum, and stay on the topic at hand. It’s hard, but it’s possible and effective.
Start a Journal
Writing down how you feel each day is great for personal growth and it’s an excellent way to get into your own head to assess and reflect on the relationship dynamic. Starting a journal is self-discovery in print. You’ll get to know more about yourself and what makes you tick. That’s super important because the most important relationship you can have with another human being is yourself. You must love yourself. Understand yourself and nurture yourself when needed. Getting to really know who you are gives you a better understanding of your wants and needs which is extremely important in this experience we call life. This is where your threshold for bullshit will be revealed. This is where your boundaries or lack thereof will be exposed.
I know, I know. Working is not always fun, but it has many benefits. Aside from looking great and slimming down, those endorphins fight depression and make you feel good. You feel accomplished and full of energy. Whether you are lifting or you are chasing a runner’s high, working out is a tremendous help to fill the gap. With so many fitness classes out there, you are bound to like at least one! What a way to transition out of the old familiar routine when you were coupled up. You can meet new people and instead of sweating the small stuff, you sweat out the bad stuff and get a new and improved figure while you’re at it!
Update Your Look
Not sound vain, or anything, but a nice appearance makes you feel good. If you cannot afford to go on a shopping spree, that’s cool. Update your hair, or brows or nails… take your pick. However brazen or subtle the update, it can be a good boost out of that relationship purgatory space. A sprinkle of confidence and positivity goes a long way,… it’s good to have while navigating through that space between Ex and Next.
ONE MORE THING: Spend time with your friends — I mean really spend time with your friends. Take the time to hang out and curb the relationship talk. Go out and do stuff and make it about them and not the final episode of your relationship. Allow your friends to support you through this time by introducing some fun in your life. Flying solo could stink, particularly if you were out of practice because you were in a long-term relationship but it doesn’t have to ALL the time.
Volunteering is good for the soul. As individuals, we all have unique talents and expertise in one area or another. Displaying our talents and expertise allows us the opportunity to contribute to our community. You’re making a difference, by helping to make others feel good which makes you feel good too! That’s huge!
What a way to hone in on individual growth! Volunteering with an organization is a great way to enhance your outlook and world view. You learn more about the community you serve, and you also learn more about yourself in the process. We are creatures of evolution (most of us any way). The experience can help shape a better version of yourself. Who knows? You may discover a new talent. Be your best self!
Make some friends
Volunteering is a great way to meet people from all walks of life. Often times, people form solid lasting bonds with each other through the volunteering experience. We all could use genuine connections with others that are positive and motivating. After a certain age, we get set in our ways and we all claim it’s so hard to meet genuine, nice folks… perhaps it is because they are out doing their part in making the world a better place… It’s just a theory. If you test it out, be sure to come back let me know!
There are so many reasons why a woman can find herself old enough to run for president and not yet ready to have a baby. The top three reasons are relationship status, career, or health.
With the stay at home family model as common as, say a griffin or unicorn in our society, we are all the breadwinners pulling the same amount of long hours and dealing with insurmountable stressors that may not be equivalent but definitely relative to our daily disposition and capabilities. There is no such thing as a part time mom even when you work full time.
Women spend the majority of their child bearing years establishing themselves with education and their careers these days. Those fortunate enough to meet their partners early on may have the advantage to having children, but the single career woman may have to pay attention to how many times she hits snooze on that biological clock!
While there are so many options nowadays, many of them are costly. To freeze your eggs will run you about the cost of a Honda Civic the first year and then you’d have to pay annually for daycare of your mini mes to keep them on ice. Thereafter, ensues throwing the dice on whether the eggs survive the thaw. Lots to consider, here.
Hitting snooze after 35 comes with an enormous amount of pressure from just about everyone like family, medical providers, and family… (I said family twice: intentionally). It’s almost as if you have a shelf life, like a gallon of milk that’s about to expire. I have anxiety just thinking about it!
First and foremost, the most important question one should ask herself is, “am I doing this because I was told I am supposed to do it before it is too late? Or am I doing this because this is what I want at this time in my life?” Also, if it doesn’t happen naturally or through IVF, there are so many children in this world who need loving parents and a home. Adopting can be a less expensive alternative. Perhaps even fostering a child for a while may be something to consider before adopting outright.
When you’re being told your biological clock sounds like the drum line in a marching band, remember that you have plenty of options and making life altering decisions because you are being pressured to isn’t the healthiest or most rewarding approach to anything in life. Definitely do your research and make the decision on your own terms. Below are some links to check out, if you’re interested in getting an over view of options. If you have anything to add, please get on the soap box!
It’s difficult to draw the line at what is acceptable or intolerable when you have let a loved one carry on for a (long) while. We can put up with a person’s behavior or a relationship dynamic by deciding that this is just part of their personality. Often times we adjust ourselves and our behaviors – we may even adjust the amount of time we spend with the person to be able to function in the dysfunction.
Small doses, please.
Or some of us may even confuse putting up with certain things as a display of love. This can lead to what is called the Martyr Complex. The ever dutiful, loving, loyal ride or die who will eventually die trying to gain affirmation and approval and feeling hurt and let down along the way.
One of the biggest dilemmas we can face in relationship dynamics when to stay or walk away. Everyone is different and therefore toleration levels may vary from person to person. One thing may be a complete deal breaker to one person while the very same thing may not be such a big deal to another. That threshold of when to say when needs to be gauged on an individual level. When that threshold is gauged and it is reached, it’s time to disengage.
6 warning signs are:
Feeling afraid of expressing how you feel
Feeling afraid of saying no
Being passive to maintain a peaceful environment
If at least two of these warning signs resonate with you, perhaps it is time to identify where the line is and assess whether your loved one has crossed it so you do not continue to deplete yourself. It may sound scary at face value, but honestly, it would hurt a lot less and take a lot less energy than to carry on in such a relationship dynamic. Feeling like you might be getting there or you may be there already? Let’s chat.