The “New Year, New Me” mantra has such a positive and energetic ring to it when we say it because we throw all our hopes, dreams, excitement and ambition behind it – only for the enthusiasm to fade some days or weeks later, like the smoke from a blown out candle on a birthday cake.
At what point do we lose momentum and fall back into the habits, thought patterns, and dispositions of the previous year? We lose momentum when we don’t change our consciousness. Is It Possible to Do a 180? Anything is possible. In order to do so, it requires us to take captive our thoughts and to be consistent in our actions each and every day. The reason why we fail at making the changes we wish to see in ourselves in the New Year is simply because we do not have the focus and discipline to follow through. Everything starts in the mind. Therefore, our conscious decision to alter our habits and enhance our lives is crucial.
The consciousness is the fuel that drives us toward successfully accomplishing our goals. What we need is a game plan. Athletes have a game plan. They make sure they examine their strengths and their weaknesses. They think about what they could have done differently or better in their previous game/match. They go into their next game/match with this information and a “Game Plan.” They are conscious of what they want to accomplish. Life is no different.
It’s okay to change directions, slow down or go full steam ahead; but a “New” you is not necessary. We don’t need to scrap our “old selves.” We need to incorporate our previous experiences and update our consciousness for an improved you. A YOU 2.0. Also, you can update your consciousness at any time. Every minute is an opportunity to improve yourself. If you are looking to do that, but don’t know where to start, reach out. We can work out a game plan together.
We are taught so many life lessons, but not how to deal with trauma and crisis – both of which are inevitable. At some point in time you, or someone you know will experience trauma or crisis. Unfortunately, we are not prepared to handle such situations. Some of us are less prepared to support people who are going through such situations. It is very difficult to address anything when you cannot properly if you cannot identify what it is. Lets go over what trauma and crisis are, and discuss some things that can be done.
Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.
Crisis occurs when unusual stress temporarily renders an individual unable to direct life effectively. As the stress mounts and the usual coping mechanisms provide neither relief no remedy, the person often experiences extreme feelings of grief, hostility, helplessness, hopelessness, and alienation from self, family and society. Stress can be a reaction to a single event or to several events occurring simultaneously or serially Greenstone, J. L., & Leviton, S. (2011). Crisis can occur when a loved one gets sick, or divorce, death, loss of employment. Sometimes these life altering events happen all at once or in tandem. The stress of keeping things afloat through the crisis can become dangerous when it appears there is no resolution in sight and energy steadily depletes.
When we don’t recognize what trauma and crisis looks like, we cannot manage it; nor can we provide effective support to our loved ones. It can be difficult and debilitating; therefore, we cannot expect someone to just “get over it.” This statement can cause further alienation. The fight for normalcy and consistency after a traumatic even or crisis can last for a long period of time, depending on what caused it. Healing is not linear. We cannot place a timeline on healing and expect to be over a traumatic event or crisis after a predetermined amount of time. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a dichotomy of reality. The survivor must go on in every day life: the world around them has not changed, but inside, they have changed and have trouble reconciling having survived the event and moving on. Their perception changes as the experience becomes a part of them after the experience disrupted their life as they knew it. Therefore, it is difficult for them to find equilibrium between their experience, identity and environment.
Triggersare a common occurrence for survivors of trauma and crisis. The effects can come and go much like an ocean tide or it can be like spontaneous reaction to anything like a certain smell, or sound (like a song playing), texture etc. The senses can trigger a flash back causing the survivor to relive the trauma or crisis all over again. This can last indefinitely and can leave others confused and bewildered at the behavior of a survivor who was fine one minute but is not the next. Someone who exhibits this behavior should be treated with patience and compassion because reliving a traumatic moment is not something anyone can just “get over.”
What can we do?
Changing the way we look at the situation is key: this is not the type of situation someone can just get over and survivors may need more than just time to heal.
Identify triggers: instead of reacting to the survivor’s reaction, ask them what just happened/what changed and listen to what they have to say.
Groundthem. Triggers make the survivor relive the trauma. Getting the survivor to recognize the here and now will bring them out of reliving the moment. A simple way to do that is to get the survivor to run cold water on their hands. I have provided a resource for other quick grounding techniques below.
Suggest they talk to someone. There are free 24hr services provided for people in crisis or have suffered trauma via phone or via text.
This time of year can onset crisis or trauma whether it be the anniversary of the death of a loved one, or traumatic event like an assault. Check on one another, and keep in mind there are free confidential resources that are accessible 24 hours a day if needed. If you have any questions, concerns, or anything to add, please comment below. Be well.
I had an in depth conversation at a holiday party with a very wise loved one. We talked about dating and the challenges people face nowadays. She said something interesting to me.
It just seems as though people are just afraid of happiness.
That was an interesting observation. For the first time in human history, we have access to everything – including each other. How is it more difficult to communicate, be vulnerable, loyal and trust one another? Sure, we text people and share our most censored vulnerabilities on social media for positive reinforcement; but why are we so alone and frustrated? Why aren’t our needs met? Do we even know what we need?
This statement had me pondering for a few days because it provoked serious thought. Are there any areas of my life where I was afraid to be happy? So, naturally, I did a little research; and then, I did an idiot self-check.
Cherophobia is the fear of being happy; per Lindsay Dodgson, it is more common than we think. Some symptoms include:
Anxiety when you’re invited to a social gathering.
Passing on opportunities that could lead to positive life changes due to the fear something bad will happen.
Refusing to participate in “fun” activities.
Thinking being happy will mean something bad will happen.
Thinking happiness makes you a bad or worse person.
Believing that showing happiness is bad for you or your friends or family.
Thinking that trying to be happy is a waste of time and effort.
While I cannot say that I know anyone who generally feels this way about happiness in all areas of their life, I can say that I know many people that feel this way about romantic relationships – including myself. When you get a little older and it seems like your energy, enthusiasm, and drive isn’t on tap the way it once was in your 20s. Life can get a bit complicated and each time it does, it can be a more difficult to maintain a positive and optimistic standpoint about an area in your life where you have been burned more than once.
Sometimes, a little fear is embedded in that adhesive of you heart.
Heartbreak can be a traumatic experience that creates an aversion to happiness. If gone unaddressed, you can develop negative outlook toward relationships or whatever the trauma is related to. Protecting yourself, has it’s pitfalls; while protecting your heart from being hurt, you are also preventing your heart from being loved. Most profoundly, you are just wasting precious time that cannot be retrieved. Time that can be spent loving, being loved and building something amazing with someone special.
A ship that doesn’t sail never reaches port.
All things in life are a risk. Protecting ourselves from the possibility of hurt or failure just ensures that we stay stagnant. This can also ensure that we stay isolated; thus, never truly loving or truly living.
Looking back on 2019, I have found that most of the changes that took place were in me. There was a lot of introspect which allowed me to come to terms with certain aspects of relationship dynamics that were in trouble.
You cannot expect you from others. If you accept people for who they are, then you can establish more realistic expectations, thus circumventing any conflicts. When you know and accept someone for who they are, sometimes what you perceive as a short coming is not a short coming. It is just not a characteristic that the person possesses. It’s up to you to accept or reject that. It’s unrealistic to hold up an expectation to a person who is essentially incapable of meeting. We don’t expect dogs to quack. It’s the same concept. Being aware of how we may be setting someone up for failure can really spare our relationships.
Forgiveness can be very difficult and it can get complicated when forgiveness is halfhearted. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean everyone takes their places and reenacts the way things were prior to the transgression. It can provide an opportunity to purge all the components that lead up to the fallout and rebuild something different, stronger and better. Halfhearted forgiveness yields bitterness and in that regard, to deceive yourself and forgive halfheartedly is like throwing water on a grease fire; it worsens the dynamic and makes it toxic and it chokes the life out of you and others around you. Forgiveness is more about you than it is the person or situation. Releasing the transgression and deciding to move forward is physically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. Forgiveness replenishes you inside and out: it has very little to do with the transgressor. Sometimes you may have to forgive someone in the absence of an apology just to heal your emotional wounds. It’s crucial to a peaceful existence.
Setting and Respecting Boundaries
Boundaries are great to establish because they reinforce mutual understanding and respect. Not only should you set boundaries in relationships, but it is equally important to respect others’ boundaries. It sounds simple; however, when someone draws the line before certain behaviors and habits they once put up with, breaking said habits and behaviors can prove challenging but it is all worth it.
Love is more than a concept. Love is a verb. Love is an action. When it comes to loving others, sometimes you just have to do it with the understanding that they may be incapable of reciprocating in the way you love. So long as it’s not harmful, that is okay too.
Those who are worth a place in your heart are worth the effort. Like everything in life, relationships can get strained and worn and it is up to us to maintain them by why of minor repairs. Expectations, forgiveness, setting and respecting boundaries with love are great tools to nurture, repair and rebuild those relationship dynamics that mean the world to you. This was a valuable lesson for me this year and I wanted to share it with all of you. What are you taking away from 2019?
Taking risks, trying things, taking knocks on the chin… rolling with the punches and persevering.. how many quotes and platitudes can we spit out from the top of our heads in under a minute? I have got at least 20-25! Failing Forward resonated with me today as I think about the goals I want to set for 2020 and beyond.
For most of us, this month is the last few pages of the 2019 Chapter, but it is a bit more than that. It is the last few pages of a decade. The Roaring ’20s 2.0 are upon us! It’s quite remarkable when you think about it that way, isn’t it? Looking back from 2009 to 2019, so much has changed – not just with society, but with ourselves. Think about 2009 you versus 2019 you… (exactly!)The technological surge has facilitated the sharing of ideas, support, and awareness of so many crucial components to human development. This is the positive side of the rise in social media. It is also providing all of us the opportunity to align ourselves with positive people that we can learn from and help us grow as individuals – world wide! That’s EPIC!
What does all this have to do with “failing forward,” so far? Well, EVERYTHING! We have so many resources out there that is mostly free to tap into. Although the world is full of naysayers and haters (most of which we are well acquainted and sometimes related to), there are good positive, motivating and encouraging people out there that are willing to help you along your journey. With that being said, I’m going to bypass the platitude, “don’t be afraid to try” and say to you, from this moment on, ‘Don’t be afraid to fail’… it’s an opportunity to learn, it’s an opportunity to grow and it is an opportunity to evolve. You are also no alone!
GO FOR IT
What ever it is that you have been afraid to shoot for, just do it. Failing Forward perspective is simply accepting you have noting to lose and everything to gain. If you haven’t succeeded at the first shot, congratulate yourself – most people won’t even try: and, most importantly, you walk away with experience and a new level of awareness you did not have before hand. The first time for anything is always the hardest. What’s so unique about living in this time frame is that you can always find support and allies – a community of like minded perfect strangers willing to lend an ear and share their experience with you.
Use what is available to you and give whatever it is you have been secretly wanting and suppressing for whatever reason, a real shot! Nothing to lose and everything to gain. Dreams are amazing and are so significant and special, because their yours. They are wrapped in your wonder, splendor and hope… nurtured with the purest childlike heart that we all still possess. Why not nurture your dreams in reality? Fail forward for 2020… not trying at all is failure in its purest form by default.
How we define ourselves and what drives us goes hand in hand; but eventually, this changes as we progress in life. We all get older. Children grow and eventually take care of us. We retire from our careers. Some of us downsize; and then…. What? If we do not periodically stop and assess what drives us, we can look back and find ourselves believing our best years have passed us by. These rites of passage are inevitable and it is okay to accept it as something positive. We must examine ourselves and discover who we are right here, and right now. The version of yourself reading this blog is certainly not the same you as 2009, or 1999… and your future self in 2029 will not be the same as you are now. What is your motivator?
What drives you?
This question is a question that we should all ask ourselves. Life is ever changing and therefore our circumstances and our roles change along with it. What once motivated us may not be an effective motivator today. Without motivation, we develop a void with people, places and things; all of which, are fleeting and temporary fixes. We get addicted to peaks and valleys of “happiness” and “emptiness.” Or sometimes, we disconnect and go through our days on auto-pilot – not really living, but just existing like a buoy in the water.
Have you ever asked yourself that question? Is it your career, your family, or recognition? Is it something else? Is it a foreign concept that you have never bothered to ask yourself before? Or, has it been quite a while since you have asked yourself that question? Is it a scary concept to even think about? Introspection is possibly the most fearsome journey any of us will ever take. Taking a look inside of us and discovering what drives us incites fear of what we might find. Ultimately, what we find are parts of ourselves that we have forgotten, neglected or ignored. These parts of ourselves can subconsciously influence what drives us. It may seem harmless for a time, but when life shifts – the cracks begin to show and it can be traumatizing.
What is important to you? Why? What are your strengths? What would you like to contribute to your loved ones and your community? Do you have any dreams that you have not fulfilled? Is it time to revisit them?
Just a few questions to self that are worth asking and pondering. Perhaps, these answers are worth writing down.
We are creatures of habit. This is what makes healthy habits so vital to us. Healthy habits facilitate happiness and fulfillment. When we continue on the path of “functioning in dysfunction” until we end up at a crossroads much like an addict that hits rock bottom with nowhere else to go. A path must be chosen. Do I go away to school? Do actually marry this person? Do I get a divorce? Do I reinvent myself? Do I put myself out there again?
These questions can debilitate us because they are loaded with with unknown. Sometimes, this limbo can be comfortable, and other times, we tolerate the pain because familiarity is all we have left to hold on to. The danger in doing that is, you cause yourself more pain and anguish. You also stunt your growth as a person. Stunting your growth as a person can cause great dis-ease in yourself. It can lead to depression or worse, despair.
Making a move can be so scary, whether literally or figuratively. It is inevitable, though. Some of us are afraid of change and others are afraid of making a mistake, but how else do we learn from experience? Being brave enough to decide which direction you want to go clears away a good amount of the anxious “what if” static in our heads. The path becomes clearer and we save ourselves the pain of letting circumstance choose. If we ride the fence long enough, it breaks from the weight of our baggage and we have to be reactive, rather than proactive.
Reactive responses to situations do not bring about the most favorable results for us. Reactive responses tend to take us the long way around the barn. If that sounds like you, don’t fret. There are lessons to be learned along the way, but going forward, note that waiting for circumstance to make a decision for you can cost you a lot more than you bargained for and you can save yourself all the trouble by being honest with yourself about what needs to be done.
We tend to let circumstance decide for us:
when we are afraid of the unknown
when we are afraid of what others may think or feel
the challenges that come along with our decision
faith and perspective: confidence in ourselves to take on a different direction.
The unknown and the known can bridged by taking a leap of faith. The known has prompted this contemplation of taking a new direction. The opinions and feelings of others is not our responsibility. There are times where some decisions will have to be made for our own well being. We cannot pour from an empty cup. Challenges arise with any and every new endeavor and sometimes we may find ourselves having to be our own cheerleaders for a time. Perhaps the support we need may come from sources we least expect, but it’s out there. Faith and perspective is what facilitates focus. When we focus, there is little to nothing we cannot accomplish.
Need some support in a new endeavor in life? Drop a line. Let’s talk.
Sexual violence is often misconstrued as gender based it is perceived that sexual violence is male on female. The truth is, most *reported cases are male against female, but we truly do not know the statistics simply because the majority of the cases are not reported. Sexual violence can be person against person in any combination of gender or sex. As the late great Carl Sagan says:
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence
All types of abuse may yield of level of shame, but sexual abuse is by far the most pervasive in conjunction with off putting confusion. It may seem self-explanatory, but what is Sexual Violence? When the term sexual assault comes to mind, what do we automatically think about? Rape. When we think about rape, a default scenario comes to mind where some creepy deviant lurking in the shadows comes up from behind with a weapon or bonks some poor unsuspecting female over the head and penetrates her. That does happen. And yes, it is rape. What most frequently happens, however, is that the rapist/abuser is someone known to the survivor. It could be a relative or even a spouse.
Spousal rape is a thing. It took society quite a while to grasp that concept. Legislation on Marital Rape being illegal throughout the United States occurred in 1993. Although two people are married and are joined, does not mean that one has the right force themselves upon the other or force the other spouse to commit sexual acts against their will which includes sodomy or oral sex. Any unsolicited sexual act, touching or fondling of any kind (it does NOT have to be penetration) is a violation of an individual’s personal space regardless who it is.
For better or for worse
It is a difficult predicament to be in when a person is being sexually violated by their spouse because there is an onslaught of mixed emotions and social conditioning that somehow Marital Rape is part of the “for worse” part of the wedding vows. That’s just not true. Marital Rape is a thing and it is more common than we think. For information, please see the links below, or feel free to reach out to me if you would like to more information on the topic.
You are an individual. You are no one’s property and NO means NO
Violence comes in many forms. Some forms of violence don’t involve physical injury but the effects of non-physical violence can leave scars and wounds that last long after the relationship. There are many factors that contribute to the inability to sever ties abruptly. It can be very hard for people to understand unless they have found themselves in the same or similar situation.
Staying together for the kids
Abuse is often about power and leverage. When children are involved, abusers often use the children as leverage to gain control. Threatening to turn the children against a parent, or making a partner feel guilty for wanting to leave by insinuating they are breaking up the family are two very common manipulations abuser use to keep their partner from ending the relationship. It is a natural desire to want to keep the family together or have both parents present in the lives of the children, but if the risks of harm outweigh the benefits, then taking some time to assess the current state of affairs may be a great idea.
If there is a combination of abuse taking place like, for example, verbal, physical, financial, etc, it can create a very toxic environment that may influence and manifest in your children’s behavior. It may also have long lasting effects that manifest later in the child’s adulthood. This is a factor that must also be considered when deliberating on whether to stay or go. Financial exploitation or abuse often comes hand in hand with using children. This can be a very difficult situation with a stay at home mom, for example whose job was child-rearing while the spouse was the bread winner. Another notable technique is not allowing the other parent to see the children unless they comply with a request like for example, move back into the house.
Using the children is extremely cruel and exacerbates emotional, psychological and physiological well-being. The children should not be used as messengers and visitation should not be used as an opportunity to engage. A common myth is that this is just part of the territory when couples break up. This is simply not true. None of this is okay. Even if this is as bad as it gets on the Wheel of Power & Privilege, make no mistake – itis still a form of abuse.
I have provided links below if you are interested in finding out more information. Both organizations can help refer some local contacts if need be. If you have any questions, you are free to reach out to me as well.
Financial or Economic Abuse is probably one of the most undercover types of abuse. It can come in many forms and also spans socioeconomic lines. The term, “Financial (Economic) Abuse” may be new to some of you, so before we begin lets get familiar with what it means.
What is Financial/Economic Abuse?
Financial/Economic Abuse is a form of abuse where the finances are used to control, manipulate and/or oppress another person. It can come in many forms:
Withholding or control all access to the finances, purchases and budgeting.
Expecting sex in return for access to the finances or for access to meet basic needs.
Using the partner’s financial information for personal gain (taking out loans without permission).
Deliberately not paying the bills to ruin credit standing.
Financial/Economic Abuse is far more widespread that we think. It is also quite common with the elderly population and their caregiver (family member included).
Why Not Just Leave?
Financial/Economic Abuse is a key factor in the answer to this question because Financial/Economic Abuse is often accompanied by Physical/Emotional/Psychological Abuse. Being able to support oneself, and their children (if they have any) is a very crucial component to survival. Perhaps, there is property or inheritance involved. Often times, disability or terminal illness may be a factor – inability to efficiently be cared for is a vulnerability that can facilitate oppression and abuse. The abuser will wield these vulnerabilities as a weapon.
Just because it is your spouse (significant other), or your child, or parent, does not give them the right to withhold your finances, use your name to obtain a loan or some other goods/properties, or demand that you should provide them with something in return. Using threats like: ” it’s your name on the mortgage or lease, so maybe I’ll just stop paying it.” – IS NOT OKAY.
Other forms of Financial/Economic Abuse is when the abuser has total financial control and everything is in their name which could result in having nothing should the relationship end. This can be a very scary reality if someone is in a city where they do not have a support system of their own: no friends, family, job, home, car or money.
Some Financial/Economic Abuse dynamics may involve sex coercion in exchange for basic needs to be met like food, clothing, etc. This type of abuse can occur within any socioeconomic class. There is a level of shame associated with it and therefore, many people suffer in silence as a result.