Relationships – Much to Think About Nothing

emotions, Expression, Healthcare, Life, Psychosis, Relationships

Basics of Trauma & Crisis

Posted on 30/12/201930/12/2019 by lolitasays

We are taught so many life lessons, but not how to deal with trauma and crisis – both of which are inevitable. At some point in time you, or someone you know will experience trauma or crisis. Unfortunately, we are not prepared to handle such situations. Some of us are less prepared to support people who are going through such situations. It is very difficult to address anything when you cannot properly if you cannot identify what it is. Lets go over what trauma and crisis are, and discuss some things that can be done.

Trauma

Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.

Crisis

Crisis occurs when unusual stress temporarily renders an individual unable to direct life effectively. As the stress mounts and the usual coping mechanisms provide neither relief no remedy, the person often experiences extreme feelings of grief, hostility, helplessness, hopelessness, and alienation from self, family and society. Stress can be a reaction to a single event or to several events occurring simultaneously or serially Greenstone, J. L., & Leviton, S. (2011). Crisis can occur when a loved one gets sick, or divorce, death, loss of employment. Sometimes these life altering events happen all at once or in tandem. The stress of keeping things afloat through the crisis can become dangerous when it appears there is no resolution in sight and energy steadily depletes.

Isolation

photo of man leaning on wooden table — Photo by Andrew Neel on Pexels.com

When we don’t recognize what trauma and crisis looks like, we cannot manage it; nor can we provide effective support to our loved ones. It can be difficult and debilitating; therefore, we cannot expect someone to just “get over it.” This statement can cause further alienation. The fight for normalcy and consistency after a traumatic even or crisis can last for a long period of time, depending on what caused it. Healing is not linear. We cannot place a timeline on healing and expect to be over a traumatic event or crisis after a predetermined amount of time. It doesn’t work that way. It’s a dichotomy of reality. The survivor must go on in every day life: the world around them has not changed, but inside, they have changed and have trouble reconciling having survived the event and moving on. Their perception changes as the experience becomes a part of them after the experience disrupted their life as they knew it. Therefore, it is difficult for them to find equilibrium between their experience, identity and environment.

Triggers

woman s face — Photo by Elina Krima on Pexels.com

Triggers are a common occurrence for survivors of trauma and crisis. The effects can come and go much like an ocean tide or it can be like spontaneous reaction to anything like a certain smell, or sound (like a song playing), texture etc. The senses can trigger a flash back causing the survivor to relive the trauma or crisis all over again. This can last indefinitely and can leave others confused and bewildered at the behavior of a survivor who was fine one minute but is not the next. Someone who exhibits this behavior should be treated with patience and compassion because reliving a traumatic moment is not something anyone can just “get over.”

What can we do?

Changing the way we look at the situation is key: this is not the type of situation someone can just get over and survivors may need more than just time to heal.
Identify triggers: instead of reacting to the survivor’s reaction, ask them what just happened/what changed and listen to what they have to say.
Ground them. Triggers make the survivor relive the trauma. Getting the survivor to recognize the here and now will bring them out of reliving the moment. A simple way to do that is to get the survivor to run cold water on their hands. I have provided a resource for other quick grounding techniques below.
Suggest they talk to someone. There are free 24hr services provided for people in crisis or have suffered trauma via phone or via text.

iphone beside laptop computer — Photo by Hasan Albari on Pexels.com

This time of year can onset crisis or trauma whether it be the anniversary of the death of a loved one, or traumatic event like an assault. Check on one another, and keep in mind there are free confidential resources that are accessible 24 hours a day if needed. If you have any questions, concerns, or anything to add, please comment below. Be well.

Resources

https://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/

https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/trigger

https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#soothing-techniques

https://www.crisisconnections.org/24-hour-crisis-line/

https://www.crisistextline.org/

Life, lifestyle, Relationships

Domestic Violence: How aware are we? PT 3: Using Children

Posted on 12/11/2019 by lolitasays

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Violence comes in many forms. Some forms of violence don’t involve physical injury but the effects of non-physical violence can leave scars and wounds that last long after the relationship. There are many factors that contribute to the inability to sever ties abruptly. It can be very hard for people to understand unless they have found themselves in the same or similar situation.

Staying together for the kids

Abuse is often about power and leverage. When children are involved, abusers often use the children as leverage to gain control. Threatening to turn the children against a parent, or making a partner feel guilty for wanting to leave by insinuating they are breaking up the family are two very common manipulations abuser use to keep their partner from ending the relationship. It is a natural desire to want to keep the family together or have both parents present in the lives of the children, but if the risks of harm outweigh the benefits, then taking some time to assess the current state of affairs may be a great idea.

If there is a combination of abuse taking place like, for example, verbal, physical, financial, etc, it can create a very toxic environment that may influence and manifest in your children’s behavior. It may also have long lasting effects that manifest later in the child’s adulthood. This is a factor that must also be considered when deliberating on whether to stay or go. Financial exploitation or abuse often comes hand in hand with using children. This can be a very difficult situation with a stay at home mom, for example whose job was child-rearing while the spouse was the bread winner. Another notable technique is not allowing the other parent to see the children unless they comply with a request like for example, move back into the house.

Using the children is extremely cruel and exacerbates emotional, psychological and physiological well-being. The children should not be used as messengers and visitation should not be used as an opportunity to engage. A common myth is that this is just part of the territory when couples break up. This is simply not true. None of this is okay. Even if this is as bad as it gets on the Wheel of Power & Privilege, make no mistake – it is still a form of abuse.

I have provided links below if you are interested in finding out more information. Both organizations can help refer some local contacts if need be. If you have any questions, you are free to reach out to me as well.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Family Solutions – Father’s Rights

relationship, Relationships

Domestic Violence: How aware are we? PT 2: Financial/Economic Abuse

Posted on 16/10/201916/10/2019 by lolitasays

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Financial or Economic Abuse is probably one of the most undercover types of abuse. It can come in many forms and also spans socioeconomic lines. The term, “Financial (Economic) Abuse” may be new to some of you, so before we begin lets get familiar with what it means.

What is Financial/Economic Abuse?

Financial/Economic Abuse is a form of abuse where the finances are used to control, manipulate and/or oppress another person. It can come in many forms:

Withholding or control all access to the finances, purchases and budgeting.
Expecting sex in return for access to the finances or for access to meet basic needs.
Using the partner’s financial information for personal gain (taking out loans without permission).
Deliberately not paying the bills to ruin credit standing.

Financial/Economic Abuse is far more widespread that we think. It is also quite common with the elderly population and their caregiver (family member included).

Why Not Just Leave?

Financial/Economic Abuse is a key factor in the answer to this question because Financial/Economic Abuse is often accompanied by Physical/Emotional/Psychological Abuse. Being able to support oneself, and their children (if they have any) is a very crucial component to survival. Perhaps, there is property or inheritance involved. Often times, disability or terminal illness may be a factor – inability to efficiently be cared for is a vulnerability that can facilitate oppression and abuse. The abuser will wield these vulnerabilities as a weapon.

Taking Advantage

Just because it is your spouse (significant other), or your child, or parent, does not give them the right to withhold your finances, use your name to obtain a loan or some other goods/properties, or demand that you should provide them with something in return. Using threats like: ” it’s your name on the mortgage or lease, so maybe I’ll just stop paying it.” – IS NOT OKAY.

Other forms of Financial/Economic Abuse is when the abuser has total financial control and everything is in their name which could result in having nothing should the relationship end. This can be a very scary reality if someone is in a city where they do not have a support system of their own: no friends, family, job, home, car or money.

Some Financial/Economic Abuse dynamics may involve sex coercion in exchange for basic needs to be met like food, clothing, etc. This type of abuse can occur within any socioeconomic class. There is a level of shame associated with it and therefore, many people suffer in silence as a result.

The National Coalition of Domestic Violence

Below is an excerpt of the Quick Guide: Economic and Financial Abuse by NCDV

Employment-related abuse prevents the victim from earning money by:

Preventing victim from going to work
Sabotaging a victim’s employment
Interfering with a victim’s work performance through harassing activities such as frequent phone calls or unannounced visits
Demanding that the victim quits her/his job
Preventing the victim from looking for jobs or attending job interviews

Prevent Victims from Accessing Existing Funds

Abusers also prevent victims from accessing existing funds by:

Deciding when/how victim can use cash, bank accounts, or credit/debit cards
Forcing victim to give abuser money, ATM cards, or credit cards
Demanding that the lease/mortgage or assets be in the abuser’s name
Using victim’s checkbook, ATM card, or credit/debit cards without the victim’s knowledge
Preventing victim’s access to bank account(s)

Resources

If you would like to learn more about Financial/Economic Abuse or if you believe you or someone you know may need help, please visit the websites listed below.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

InCharge Debt Solutions

How to Identify Financial Abuse in a Relationship

Understanding Financial Abuse and Safety Planning

Elder Financial Exploitation

Dating, Life, Relationships

Confrontation

Posted on 22/08/201926/08/2019 by lolitasays

confrontation

[ kon-fruh n-tey-shuh n, -fruhn- ]

noun

an act of confronting.
the state of being confronted.
a meeting of persons face to face.
an open conflict of opposing ideas, forces, etc.
a bringing together of ideas, themes, etc., for comparison.
a technique used in group therapy, as in encounter groups, in which one is forced to recognize one’s shortcomings and their possible consequences.

Confrontation has been given a very bad rap in our culture. Confrontation has such a bad rap that people tend to avoid it all together. This can be very dangerous. To explain the dangers of confrontation, we must first fully understand what it means and put it in context. Contrary to popular belief, CONFRONTATION ≠ FIGHT. In layman’s terms, confrontation is a meeting of the minds that hold opposing views, it’s not a fight/argument. It can be a debate… but it’s not necessarily that either.

“Can a confrontation turn into a fight?”

Absolutely! In fact, it is a common occurrence for a number of reasons but the square root of all confrontations giving way to fights is simply because of lack of communication. Confrontation, is a form of communication where one party is expressing their point of view to another party who has an opposing point of view.

When one party suppresses their point of view in hopes the other party will “come around,” the relationship is set on a collision course. One party becomes continually disappointed by the other party’s ambivalence or indifference. It’s like putting all your junk in the junk closet and closing the door until finally that last bit of junk causes the door to bust open and all the junk comes tumbling out. At that point everything (emotionally) including the kitchen sink comes out and causes significant and sometimes permanent damage or irreparable damage to the relationship dynamic. So…

“How do we avoid a fight?”

The best way to avoid a fight, is to engage in confrontation within a reasonable amount of time. Expressing your point of view (respectfully) in the moment or within a reasonable amount of time lets all parties know where you stand. Assumption during a confrontation is like throwing water on a grease fire, so it’s best to avoid assuming anything. See something, say something! State the facts.

“When you do _____, I feel like _____ and I don’t like it.”

Making a simple declaration of your point of view sets the tone, it sets boundaries, and it also leaves very little room for the other party to continue on oblivious to where you stand on the issue at hand. It also starts a dialogue which is an avenue to understanding.

Naturally what we are discussing here is not (unfortunately) a cure all, but weeding out what causes a molehill to become a mountain yields healthier relationship dynamics and a more positive life experience. It’s easier to call something out as it is happening than to indict a party with a list of repeat offenses that they were not even aware were offenses because if you call someone out on “always doing _____” they will feel blindsided and get defensive which increases the chances of causing a fight.

“Be Prepared to Disagree”

Fear of confrontation also stems from a fear of rejection. Will they still like me? We cannot convince everyone to see things our way. Everyone is different. Everyone processes things differently: values, priorities, beliefs, and philosophies. Sometimes after a confrontation we have to accept that we will have to agree to disagree. Confrontation is not about convincing someone to agree with you. It’s about stating your point of view and defining your values and boundaries in the process. This is important because a gauge of conduct is created. If both parties mutually respect each other’s point of view, they learn how to work through their opposing views respectfully thus keeping the relationship dynamic intact. Agreeing to disagree forges mutual respect because both parties feel valued when their points of view are heard despite the opposition: that is what we want in a relationship dynamic. We want to feel valued and to feel heard. Unfortunately, feeling valued and heard does not mean that everyone will agree. But is that really such a bad thing?

Confrontation can be healthy and successful without fighting if we get enough courage to communicate and not sweep it under the rug. Also, a resolution is possible, so long as both parties understand that the confrontation is not about persuasion. Confrontation is about expression of opposing point of views. When all the cards are on the table, it is easier for both parties to navigate through the relationship dynamic without damaging it.

Are you comfortable with confrontation? If not, don’t worry. It’s a skill, like learning how to write. You don’t have to be the best at it, but it is a vital and effective communication tool. Would you like to learn more? I’d love to hear from you! Be Well!

Dating, Love, Perceptions, relationship, Relationships, Social, thoughts

My Checklist Idiocy

Posted on 07/05/2019 by lolitasays

We all walk around stuck in our own heads with an idea of how things should be and how people should behave. When it comes to relationships, we all have our personal check list of requirements. We all generally, or usually, want the same things… Our standards are set and we have a very good idea of who we are willing to invest in, BUT, how many of us meet our very own standards?

My cousin hit me with a haymaker of thought provocation as I scrambled to honestly answer this simple question:

Would you be in a serious relationship with yourself?

It didn’t take long for the epiphany that I have severe relationship myopia. After clarifying my specific needs and wants in a relationship and comparing what it is that I am willing to give, it was painfully clear that I was in great deficit in comparison. When it came to my list of expectations, it was much like a laundry list; where as, what I am willing to bring to the table could fit on a Post-It.

So, what is wrong with this picture? Plenty. Everyone wants their suitor to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. However, no one wants to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. This begs the question: how does one expect to obtain and maintain a healthy and successful relationship with such acute myopia?

Be the change you want to see in your relationship.

At this juncture, it is imperative to do a little introspection and do an idiot check on myself. Next to each line item of expectation, I note whether I do or am capable of meeting that expectation myself. It’s quite an interesting self assessment and I am learning a lot about what I need to work on as an individual to become better and stronger in all my relationships. This process may not be fun or pretty, but it proves to be valuable.

Even if you are currently in a relationship, if things are going a bit left and you’re not getting on as much, perhaps doing a quick Idiot Checklist is not a bad idea. You may learn a thing or two.

Dating, emotions, Expression, Life, Perceptions, Relationships, Social, thoughts

Ghosting: The Psychological Bird Flip

Posted on 19/07/201719/07/2017 by lolitasays

You meet someone and sparks fly. You talk every day and do things together. You two are building the foundation of a relationship or friendship; whatever the type of ship it may be, all of a sudden, this ship has sunk because this person checked out and stopped all forms of communication with you unexpectedly.

Maybe he or she enlisted in the Witness Protection Program or maybe aliens abducted him or her. As absurd as these theories may sound, they may be plausible because you two were having a great a time up until this point. At least you thought he or she was having as good a time as you. In the words of the great and late philosopher Whitney Houston, “how will I know”?

In today’s world, no answer is an answer. For those of you who do not know what ghosting is, it is the act of abruptly ceasing communication of any kind without warning or explanation with someone you were cultivating a relationship with or had a relationship with. It is easy to hide behind the blanket excuse of “I’ve been so busy,” but even the Leader of the Free World has time to make multiple posts that 150 characters are less in a day! So what gives? Ghosting has become the most common and convenient way to bail on a relationship.

It’s not you, it’s me….

Are people not even worth a cliché anymore? Giving someone the Casper treatment is rather disrespectful. Here is why. Disappearing without an explanation breeds a lot of confusion, speculation and worry. It brings about far more intense feelings than the feeling of rejection that comes from being up front with someone and saying, “You are a great person and I enjoy the time we spent together; I don’t want to pursue a relationship with you.” Yes, of course, you run the risk of having a conversation that might be uncomfortable but it is the last conversation you will have with this person on this topic. It actually beats “ghosting” him or her only to randomly bump into him or her without any place to take cover thus being forced to have an even more awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation– in public, no less!

Ghosting to spare someone’s feeling is a piping hot pile of steaming dung.

Anyone who ghosts someone else is cowardly sparing himself or herself the daunting task of having to admit they are not into this friendship/relationship and having a conversation about why. It is okay to want out of a relationship for no other reason than you do not want to be in one with that person. Sometimes that happens. Not everyone we come across is a crazy creep. Sometimes sparks fly and fizzle out for no particular reason. Just because someone is amazing and he or she has the right qualities does not mean he or she is right for you.

If you should find yourself in the situation where you want to call it quits, choose to treat this person with kindness and respect them enough to have that conversation with them. Be brave. Don’t be a cruel ghoul and ghost.

Dating, Expression, Human nature, Relationships, Social

10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men

Posted on 15/04/201615/04/2016 by lolitasays

Let me just start by saying Sabrina Alexis and Eric Charles have been a part of my life for some time. I’ve been following their amazing blog anewmode.com circa 5 years and they cover a wide array of issues and topics on two things women can never seem to talk about enough, Fashion and Relationships. Laser focusing on the relationship front, the blog is chuck full of articles on topics that we women often feel the need to congregate and start make-shift think tanks to decipher certain circumstances and behaviors. I personally appreciate their style of writing because it does not have a condescending tone like some authors on dating tend to have. When you’re caught admits a situation, it isn’t easy to see things as clearly as someone that is observing from the sidelines. Eric and Sabrina get that. I appreciate that tremendously.

Anewmode gives off a conversation over brunch with a close friend vibe that I believe made it not only unique, but extremely popular; writing a book (or two..) was only a matter of time. I’m so glad they did. The first book, “He’s Not That Complicated” was a total slam dunk! This is what I had to say about that….

Fast forward four years to Sabina and Eric to book #2, “10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men.”

Sabrina and Eric delivered another a well written book with so much insight on things we overlook or misinterpret in relationships. This book differs from the previous one because “He’s Not That Complicated” focuses on situations and circumstantial behaviors. “10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men” focuses on emotional and psychological aspects that help or hinder the ability to make and maintain a real connection.

They are candid with their own personal experiences and lessons while providing a wealth of information and challenges for the reader with exercises to help the reader see and experience what they are conveying for themselves. All in all the book is insightful, encouraging, challenging and empowering. It’s definitely one of those books you’ll keep as you may need to go back and reference a few things from time to time. It can easily be a book you’ll end up purchasing over and over again should you lend it to a friend.

I cannot buy it for you… but I can highly recommend it to you.

“10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men” is available in digital and paperback at Amazon.com

Also, I encourage you to pick up “He’s Not That Complicated.” It will at the very least equip you with great useful advise to give your girlfriends who are single and ready to mingle. And by all means check out Anewmode.com for fashion, dating, and relationship tips that will change your life!

emotions, Human nature, Inspiration, Life, Love, Perceptions, Random, Rants, Relationships, Social, thoughts

Time on Tap

Posted on 15/05/2015 by lolitasays

Sounds ridiculous, right? Time is not a tangible thing. Nor can we mold it like cosmic play dough. There is no fast forward, rewind, reset or pause. It is quite fascinating how we conduct ourselves and our lives as if we did have time at our disposal on a day to day basis. We live our lives flying by the seat of our pants as if getting “around-to-it” was an actual object that we can obtain. You cannot trade time; it is non-transferrable. “I’ll call you later,” … “I’m too busy right now” … “Next time” … We have this deceptive sense of security when it comes to time and it is not until tragedy strikes that one realizes how truly un–busy they were or could have been if they had known that later would not to be. That argument may not have mattered nor might it have transpired,… you would have said “I love you” … “I appreciate you” or “I’m proud of you”… or stayed at home and cuddled with your sweetheart or played with the kids.

We have all the time in the world to take for granted, until we run out of time. ~ Dolores Raymond

How much more enjoyable would this hot summer be if you knew it was your last? Would you opt to text a person or place the phone call if that was your final correspondence with them? How tightly would you hug your loved one if you knew this was the last time they would walk through your door? How hard would you laugh at the story you heard for the 1,657,245,326^th time if you knew it would never be told by that person again? Wouldn’t you say “I love you too” if you knew that would be your last opportunity? When someone passes away suddenly and we are grief stricken and shaken to the core… we bleed out emotionally and blurt out “I shoulda,” … “I coulda,” … “I woulda,”… “If I had”… It is not so much as guilt but a natural reaction to the hay-maker of reality, that… we have no control over time. And in an instant, we can be taken into eternity or left to grieve a loved one.

Does this mean we have to live in fear? No. It just means perhaps we need to live in awareness that tomorrow is not guaranteed and make a conscious effort to spend time more wisely. It does not have to be a lot of time, but quality time. Place a call instead of a comment on social media or a text message. Go physically say hi. Hug and kiss goodbye. You ever notice how beautiful and eloquent and heartfelt a eulogy is… Why aren’t these beautiful loving heartfelt words and feelings shared with the person while they are alive? Who says you have to wait until they pass away to share your thoughts and feelings with all their friends and family… in their absence? We are so quick to dole out sarcasm, criticism, and poke fun… but we need to work up courage to express love and happiness… we get self-conscious about that. emphasis on “self“… when you become conscious of self,… you tend not to be conscious of others and in turn, the message is lost.

Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time? ~Merovingian

We cannot just assume people know how we feel any more than we can assume to live well past 100 years. We do not have time on tap. We do not own time, we cannot trade time, we cannot borrow time, we cannot exchange time, or change time… nor can we stop time. What we can do is love. We can show love and allow ourselves to be loved and express love at every given opportunity while the opportunity is present.