thoughts – Much to Think About Nothing

Note to the Lonely

Posted on 26/08/201926/08/2019 by lolitasays

“I’m lonely” is a phrase I have grown a custom to hearing on a daily basis. It’s perplexing considering Earth is populated with an estimated 7 billion people. Right here in my immediate geographical area, there is just about 12 million or so residents.

Between the high population of productive people and the apex of technology, how could this be? All the tools that are intended to bring us together somehow alienates us. Please forgive my Johnny Come Lately statement as we all know this narrative is quite familiar.

The caveat is intimacy. Tangible interactions are seriously lacking. We have somehow traded that away for fiber optics and the fleeting dopamine reaction from someone hitting the like button on our posts. Now that we wrapped it up in a neat little bow… what can we do about it?

For starters, we can go grass roots with it.

Volunteer

Volunteering is a great activity that promotes wellness. It is actually scientifically proven. Aside from the warm and fuzzy feeling you get for helping and making a positive impact, you are out interacting with genuine people. Depending on what type of community service you are decide to do, you can reap the trifecta of benefits that nourish you mind body and spirit.

Adopt a Pet

Adopting a pet has tremendous benefits. The National Alliance on Mental Illness NAMI wrote a great article called The Power of Pet Therapy. Pets are good to relieve anxiety, depression, and traumatic experiences. If you are just lonely or you live alone, having a pet offers companionship and loving member of your household to come home to that is always happy to see you. Having a dog in particular can encourage you to get out and get some fresh air and be active and perhaps meet new people too!

photo of man kissing his dog — Photo by Charles Roth on Pexels.com

Take a class

Pick a class! Any class! It doesn’t have to be gym class. It could be a cooking class, dancing class, painting class, acting class, or self-defense class. Maybe even a social group that meets up every now and again, like a book club.

Taking a class is a great way to expand your knowledge, develop a new skill and meet new people in the process. Our entire social sphere was built on taking classes. We learned to socialize by being in class from kindergarten through college. As adults, it becomes more challenging to meet people – especially since we are no longer in school. So, why not take something up that interests you where you can cannot with other people that have similar interest?

Mentor

This may fall under volunteering, but I think it deserves its own paragraph. Matching up with someone to mentor is a great fulfilling experience. There is an invaluable social exchange that happens in that dynamic that impacts the lives of both parties involved. Sharing our experience with others and helping them hone and shape their own personal vision can be quite rewarding bond.

We can get so stuck in our current predicaments that we do not see the possibilities available to us to live a more rewarding life. While you may feel lonely, there are people out there that would greatly appreciate spending time with you and getting to know you. There are people out there who would love to converse and exchange ideas. There are people out there you could inspire with your own experience. There are people out there who would not feel so alone with you in their lives.

Dating, Love, Perceptions, relationship, Relationships, Social, thoughts

My Checklist Idiocy

Posted on 07/05/2019 by lolitasays

We all walk around stuck in our own heads with an idea of how things should be and how people should behave. When it comes to relationships, we all have our personal check list of requirements. We all generally, or usually, want the same things… Our standards are set and we have a very good idea of who we are willing to invest in, BUT, how many of us meet our very own standards?

My cousin hit me with a haymaker of thought provocation as I scrambled to honestly answer this simple question:

Would you be in a serious relationship with yourself?

It didn’t take long for the epiphany that I have severe relationship myopia. After clarifying my specific needs and wants in a relationship and comparing what it is that I am willing to give, it was painfully clear that I was in great deficit in comparison. When it came to my list of expectations, it was much like a laundry list; where as, what I am willing to bring to the table could fit on a Post-It.

So, what is wrong with this picture? Plenty. Everyone wants their suitor to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. However, no one wants to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. This begs the question: how does one expect to obtain and maintain a healthy and successful relationship with such acute myopia?

Be the change you want to see in your relationship.

At this juncture, it is imperative to do a little introspection and do an idiot check on myself. Next to each line item of expectation, I note whether I do or am capable of meeting that expectation myself. It’s quite an interesting self assessment and I am learning a lot about what I need to work on as an individual to become better and stronger in all my relationships. This process may not be fun or pretty, but it proves to be valuable.

Even if you are currently in a relationship, if things are going a bit left and you’re not getting on as much, perhaps doing a quick Idiot Checklist is not a bad idea. You may learn a thing or two.

Dating, emotions, Expression, Life, Perceptions, Relationships, Social, thoughts

Ghosting: The Psychological Bird Flip

Posted on 19/07/201719/07/2017 by lolitasays

You meet someone and sparks fly. You talk every day and do things together. You two are building the foundation of a relationship or friendship; whatever the type of ship it may be, all of a sudden, this ship has sunk because this person checked out and stopped all forms of communication with you unexpectedly.

Maybe he or she enlisted in the Witness Protection Program or maybe aliens abducted him or her. As absurd as these theories may sound, they may be plausible because you two were having a great a time up until this point. At least you thought he or she was having as good a time as you. In the words of the great and late philosopher Whitney Houston, “how will I know”?

In today’s world, no answer is an answer. For those of you who do not know what ghosting is, it is the act of abruptly ceasing communication of any kind without warning or explanation with someone you were cultivating a relationship with or had a relationship with. It is easy to hide behind the blanket excuse of “I’ve been so busy,” but even the Leader of the Free World has time to make multiple posts that 150 characters are less in a day! So what gives? Ghosting has become the most common and convenient way to bail on a relationship.

It’s not you, it’s me….

Are people not even worth a cliché anymore? Giving someone the Casper treatment is rather disrespectful. Here is why. Disappearing without an explanation breeds a lot of confusion, speculation and worry. It brings about far more intense feelings than the feeling of rejection that comes from being up front with someone and saying, “You are a great person and I enjoy the time we spent together; I don’t want to pursue a relationship with you.” Yes, of course, you run the risk of having a conversation that might be uncomfortable but it is the last conversation you will have with this person on this topic. It actually beats “ghosting” him or her only to randomly bump into him or her without any place to take cover thus being forced to have an even more awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation– in public, no less!

Ghosting to spare someone’s feeling is a piping hot pile of steaming dung.

Anyone who ghosts someone else is cowardly sparing himself or herself the daunting task of having to admit they are not into this friendship/relationship and having a conversation about why. It is okay to want out of a relationship for no other reason than you do not want to be in one with that person. Sometimes that happens. Not everyone we come across is a crazy creep. Sometimes sparks fly and fizzle out for no particular reason. Just because someone is amazing and he or she has the right qualities does not mean he or she is right for you.

If you should find yourself in the situation where you want to call it quits, choose to treat this person with kindness and respect them enough to have that conversation with them. Be brave. Don’t be a cruel ghoul and ghost.

Human nature, Inspiration, Life, thoughts

Destination GOAL

Posted on 13/04/2016 by lolitasays

When we set goals, somewhere along the way we hit unexpected circumstances and bumps in the road. These situations may cause us to get side tracked, stop dead in our tracks, detour or a take a turn for the worst. The consequence of not staying on course is abandonment of hope, loss of determination, inability to focus on what’s before you in order to complete your goal. There will be times where you will be viewed as unrealistic or crazy. You may not get the support you expect or the support you think you need and this can be extremely discouraging. As discouraging as this may be, it’s just a part of the processes. The road ahead is yours and yours alone. Some may travel with you along the way but ultimately it’s your own personal journey.

Anything worth having takes hard work and sacrifice. It’s definitely not easy. The most important thing is to look straight ahead with tunnel vision and realize obstacles may slow you down but by no means should stop you. This is the only way to endure unpleasant experiences and complete tasks you otherwise would not do. Keeping your eye on the prize is paramount.

If you don’t keep a clear eye on the direction you’re going… how will you ever get to your destination?

Worrying about what others think and do will have you exasperated chasing your tail rather than your dream. Stop. Look. Focus. The finish line is just beyond the horizon. Each step forward is a step closer. Don’t stop. Don’t talk. Keep moving. With each step remind yourself what you want, why you’re doing this and how much closer you are today than you were yesterday.

beauty, Expression, Life, thoughts, TV

Weighing In On Self Worth

Posted on 20/01/201622/02/2017 by lolitasays

I had the pleasure to meet a remarkable young woman by the name of Mar Ortiz a few years ago. She is now a reality television star on a show called Big Women: Big Love . Recently, she found herself catapulted into an arena that is as courageous and inspiring as it is absurd. A photo and a statement… would soon be a platform of debate.

I love my love handles!

I scrolled upon this photo in my Facebook feed and I commended Mar because there is nothing more beautiful than being comfortable in your own skin. As this picture went viral and people began commenting, I was actually appalled at the thought that anyone would even suggest that Mar was “glorifying obesity.” That’s absolutely absurd! It is becoming harder and harder in this day and age to “be beautiful.” What is beauty? Is it running around scantily clad? Is it looking like a superhero? Is it systematically butchering your body parts to resemble a celebrity?

love love handles

It’s absolutely ghastly and unnerving for someone to be scrutinized for appreciating their God given body. That concept within itself has been so lost in translation for some time. In a world of Photoshop, filters and plastic surgery … what’s so bad about posting a picture and being content with yourself.

Love yourself at any size or glorifying obesity?

Not everyone is petite, tall, thin, or even full figured. What is wrong with enjoying what you have and working it with confidence and acceptance? We must be careful with the type of message we are sending and be wary of it being lost in translation lest we raise a generation of self-loathing anorexics with a skewed perception of what beauty truly is.

From the outside it is very easy to point and shake a finger at people who put themselves out there. On the other hand.. “out… there..” are many people who maybe suffering for various reasons that are not afforded the opportunity to attempt to fit into this highly unrealistic ideal of beauty. In addition to what they are facing, they should not be made to feel that they cannot be happy within themselves or pleased with their appearance because it is seemingly is not acceptable to the norm.

Self-acceptance should be celebrated and woman like Mar empower others. In turn they should be supported and not blasted for simply being happy with who they are and proud of their appearance.

emotions, Expression, Inspiration, Life, Perceptions, thoughts

So, I said to myself… Self…

Posted on 07/07/2015 by lolitasays

How do you view yourself? Is how you view yourself congruent with who are? How can you tell?

These are self-assessment questions everyone should ask themselves periodically – particularly when their lives are on the verge of change. Are the same formulas still working for you? What is your current level of inner peace? Are you happy? Are you sleeping well at night? Is your load heavy? How can you lighten it?

Self-assessment can be a scary thing. Sometimes we do not want to look back or within but looking back and looking within will provide the clues and tools necessary to move onward to your next destination. Looking back a year ago today… where were you? What were your biggest fears and concerns? What were your accomplishments? What goals have you set since? Have you achieved them? Who had been helpful and supportive when needed along the way?

In life we can accumulate a lot of things like methods of doing things, people and paradigms that are no longer suitable. Once a bipedal adult, one reckons the fastest was to get around is not on all fours as a quadruped. This is no different from maturing and shedding old thought patterns, influences and extracting lessons from experiences had that help shape you to become who you are while honing your skills to identify and circumvent recurrences of not-so-pleasant situations, experiences, and people. This too, like handwriting, is a skill that takes practice. It is a difficult skill at first because looking back and looking within can dredge up feelings that are unpleasant.

Feelings are what make us human and perhaps, so incredibly beautifully flawed. Good feelings are better than any possible high known to man. Bad feelings… well… I know I do not stand alone when I say I’d rather break a bone than feel bereaved or dejected. The reality is, there is no avoiding it; and often, it comes without warning. Not dealing with feelings and filing them away in the back of your mind is like cleaning a loaded gun with the safety off – someone, is bound to get hurt – either you are someone around you. Unresolved feelings can hinder your progression in various areas of your life. Keeping yourself extrinsically occupied will not diminish those buried feelings within.

It is frightening to go searching for those old dingy feelings, but it’s less disastrous to find them and purge them than allowing them to emerge spontaneously. I heard a lecture by Bill Johnson called, “The War in Your Head” and he said something profound,…

“every response in life we have is either out of LOVE or out of FEAR. The source of our words, responses, our directives in life… the things we choose to pursue, the things we choose not to pursue are either because of love and fear.”

So,… ask yourself, what do you love? What do you love to do? What would you love to do? What are you afraid of? What are you holding on to so tightly that you’re afraid to lose?

This is the precipice of self-assessment and therein is keys to unlocking who you are, where you’ve been and where you’re going. Defuse the pain of past experiences by extracting the lessons you’ve learned from them and set out to love more. This way you can make room for new experience and new people. Identify your sources of love and support and avoid sources that provide contrary influence. Keep moving and keep checking.

emotions, Human nature, Inspiration, Life, Love, Perceptions, Random, Rants, Relationships, Social, thoughts

Time on Tap

Posted on 15/05/2015 by lolitasays

Sounds ridiculous, right? Time is not a tangible thing. Nor can we mold it like cosmic play dough. There is no fast forward, rewind, reset or pause. It is quite fascinating how we conduct ourselves and our lives as if we did have time at our disposal on a day to day basis. We live our lives flying by the seat of our pants as if getting “around-to-it” was an actual object that we can obtain. You cannot trade time; it is non-transferrable. “I’ll call you later,” … “I’m too busy right now” … “Next time” … We have this deceptive sense of security when it comes to time and it is not until tragedy strikes that one realizes how truly un–busy they were or could have been if they had known that later would not to be. That argument may not have mattered nor might it have transpired,… you would have said “I love you” … “I appreciate you” or “I’m proud of you”… or stayed at home and cuddled with your sweetheart or played with the kids.

We have all the time in the world to take for granted, until we run out of time. ~ Dolores Raymond

How much more enjoyable would this hot summer be if you knew it was your last? Would you opt to text a person or place the phone call if that was your final correspondence with them? How tightly would you hug your loved one if you knew this was the last time they would walk through your door? How hard would you laugh at the story you heard for the 1,657,245,326^th time if you knew it would never be told by that person again? Wouldn’t you say “I love you too” if you knew that would be your last opportunity? When someone passes away suddenly and we are grief stricken and shaken to the core… we bleed out emotionally and blurt out “I shoulda,” … “I coulda,” … “I woulda,”… “If I had”… It is not so much as guilt but a natural reaction to the hay-maker of reality, that… we have no control over time. And in an instant, we can be taken into eternity or left to grieve a loved one.

Does this mean we have to live in fear? No. It just means perhaps we need to live in awareness that tomorrow is not guaranteed and make a conscious effort to spend time more wisely. It does not have to be a lot of time, but quality time. Place a call instead of a comment on social media or a text message. Go physically say hi. Hug and kiss goodbye. You ever notice how beautiful and eloquent and heartfelt a eulogy is… Why aren’t these beautiful loving heartfelt words and feelings shared with the person while they are alive? Who says you have to wait until they pass away to share your thoughts and feelings with all their friends and family… in their absence? We are so quick to dole out sarcasm, criticism, and poke fun… but we need to work up courage to express love and happiness… we get self-conscious about that. emphasis on “self“… when you become conscious of self,… you tend not to be conscious of others and in turn, the message is lost.

Who has time? Who has time? But then if we do not ever take time, how can we ever have time? ~Merovingian

We cannot just assume people know how we feel any more than we can assume to live well past 100 years. We do not have time on tap. We do not own time, we cannot trade time, we cannot borrow time, we cannot exchange time, or change time… nor can we stop time. What we can do is love. We can show love and allow ourselves to be loved and express love at every given opportunity while the opportunity is present.