It’s difficult to draw the line at what is acceptable or intolerable when you have let a loved one carry on for a (long) while. We can put up with a person’s behavior or a relationship dynamic by deciding that this is just part of their personality. Often times we adjust ourselves and our behaviors – we may even adjust the amount of time we spend with the person to be able to function in the dysfunction.
Small doses, please.
Or some of us may even confuse putting up with certain things as a display of love. This can lead to what is called the Martyr Complex. The ever dutiful, loving, loyal ride or die who will eventually die trying to gain affirmation and approval and feeling hurt and let down along the way.
One of the biggest dilemmas we can face in relationship dynamics when to stay or walk away. Everyone is different and therefore toleration levels may vary from person to person. One thing may be a complete deal breaker to one person while the very same thing may not be such a big deal to another. That threshold of when to say when needs to be gauged on an individual level. When that threshold is gauged and it is reached, it’s time to disengage.
6 warning signs are:
Feeling afraid of expressing how you feel
Feeling afraid of saying no
Being passive to maintain a peaceful environment
If at least two of these warning signs resonate with you, perhaps it is time to identify where the line is and assess whether your loved one has crossed it so you do not continue to deplete yourself. It may sound scary at face value, but honestly, it would hurt a lot less and take a lot less energy than to carry on in such a relationship dynamic. Feeling like you might be getting there or you may be there already? Let’s chat.
There is a certain type of friend; you know who I’m referring to… that friend whose support, comforts and encouragement can be felt with just their mere presence. They can make you feel like you can do anything and make even the saddest or infuriating moments the funniest. They remind you that you can be anything. They shoulder some of your problems, perhaps your responsibilities at times… they ride or die with you. They may even be a parent, a sibling, kin, fictive kin (no DNArelation), coworker, or mentor.
That friend is always strong and courageous with the toughest of life’s challenges because perhaps they had no other choice to be that way; despite it all they come through for you. It isn’t because everything is perfect as we all process our challenges, trials, and tribulations differently. For some challenges, trials and tribulations are like the stars in the daytime. Just because you cannot see them doesn’t mean that they are not there.
While they may be a source of all things possible… and the wind beneath your wings, and may seem fearless and impermeable to you, remember that they are still human; just like you. That friend is still subject to experiencing all the same things as you. Every now and again, although it may not seem like they may need it, but encourage them and remind them how much they matter to you because they too are fighting their own battles although they say nothing about them.
If you have that certain type of friend, let them know today how much they mean to you. Ask them how they are and ask about their day. Wait to hear the answer. Simply checking in can replenish the energy needed to fight the battles they don’t discuss.
Rejection is one of those complicated emotions that can vacate common sense and logic while debilitating self-esteem. Like paying taxes and death, it is inevitable that we will experience rejection in some, if not all areas of our lives at one point or another.
Rejection is one of the very first emotions we deal with during our developmental years. Whether it is for affection from our parents over a sibling, or we didn’t make the team, or a group of friends on the playground: we all can access some incident in our memory where felt rejected, marginalized or left out.
Some sink and some swim… Whether you were Regina George or not… you will encounter a struggle with rejection on some level or another academically, professionally or most commonly, personally/romantically.
HOW DO WE DEAL?
There is a massive misconception that it’s somehow a phase that we will grow out of and that is categorically NOT TRUE and this fallacy is immensely destructive. Psychology Today sites that rejection creates surges of anger and aggression. We have seen how rejection can manifest in schools and post offices many times over throughout the years and still these end results beg the question. How do we deal?
There is an internalization for rejection that can shatter the rejected person’s state of self-worth particularly if the value they place on themselves was not very high to begin with. The anger and aggression comes from having taken an unsuccessful risk.
WHAT DO WE DO?
There are quite a few things that we can do to address the feeling of rejection but the most effective is to change how you feel about rejection because when someone rejects you, it usually has very little to do with you.
Naturally, it doesn’t seem that way we because by nature we believe that we garner some kind of control over others and that we can some how *win them over. In turn, it becomes a vicious cycle of self loathing. Why? Because when we adopt the mindset that there is something that we can do to reverse rejection, it becomes a dangerous game leveraging your self-worth to no end and much like gambler, betting more and more each time to nullify the previous loss to no avail leaving nothing accept anger and aggression.
THIS TOO, SHALL PASS
It may pass like a kidney stone, but nonetheless…. Rather than spending time attempting to win a person over, spending time with people who love and accept you can comfort you and ease the pain of rejection. If the feeling of rejection is more severe, perhaps talking to someone who does not know you at all can help you get to the square root of what triggers that feeling. Any thoughts? Please do share!
Many of us know by the time we wake up, what daily tasks are ahead of us and how much we are (not) looking forward to tackling them. We do our daily mechanical tasks to prepare for the day but do we really take hold and manage our mornings?
Why is Morning Management Important?
It sets the tone for the day. Duh!… Not just in a “time” and “task” oriented way, but psychologically and emotionally. Imagine yourself like a computer… When you turn a computer on.. it does what? It needs a few moments to boot up, right? You’re not that much different from a computer in that regard. No one springs out of bed and into their daily routine like a Jack-In-the- Box!
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed….
Waking up after half a dozen snooze button taps, scratching your head, butt, while yawning and trying to recall that strange dream before showering and guzzling coffee to facilitate the energy to chase a (school) bus or to battle traffic isn’t exactly morning management. It’s almost lunchtime before you gain your wits about you if you you follow this routine regularly.
As soon as you plant both feet on the floor and before you push off your bed to stand up, think of 5 things you are grateful for: say them out loud if it doesn’t disturb anyone else. Who says Thanksgiving is an annual thing? Why not give thanks for each day? Whether it is health, family, friends, career… or simply waking up to see another day… 5 things off the top of your head… Puts things in perspective. For those who are religious, thank God for the day. It’s a short prayer but effective prayer.
2. Compliment Yourself
I know this may sound silly to some, but complimenting yourself… or having some daily affirmations go a long way. It helps to feel good about yourself. Find at least one good thing to say yourself: Self, I find that really awesome about you! Do this daily. When you feel good, it’s contagious. Raise your vibration before leaving the house. It could be anything like “wow what nice teeth you have” while brushing them, or “you are a fantastic cook” while making breakfast… whatever you fancy.. acknowledge yourself.
3. Stretch and Breathe
I’m not saying go full downward dog or anything but raise your hands to sky and bend over and touch your toes a couple times. Take a couple deep breaths to get the blood circulating and the oxygen flowing through the lungs and to the brain so that morning fogginess clears up fast and you can think clearer. You can do this while watching the weather or the news headlines… Got kids? Do it with them. It’s a quick quality time exercise that is a good habit to instill in them. Hook `em while they’re young!
4. Say I Love you
We all feel it, but do we say it? Let a loved one know you love them in the morning and wish them a good day. If you live alone, text a loved one, a BFF, or wave and wish a neighbor or the deli clerk a good day. Sounds insignificant but smiles and good vibes are contagious if you let your guard down and are open to them. If possible, get into the habit of talking to a positive and motivating person every morning. An exchange positivity goes along way throughout the day. It just makes the manic mornings a bit more… manageable.
5. Listen to Positive Music / Speakers or Silence..
Not every tune with a catchy beat should be played at all hours of the day. If you’re in traffic and you’re in the Trap House, it may produce and entirely different vibe and reaction to the traffic pattern than listening to lyrics that wouldn’t make your eyes pop out of your head of a 5 year old repeated the lyrics.
Another alternative is to listen to a good motivational speaker or sermon in the morning.
Taking for 15 minutes in the morning without music at all to clear my head. Puts you in a neutral disposition and prepares you to take on the day and whatever comes your way without the influence of some catchy tune that might influence your disposition in not-so-positive way.
Do you manage your mornings? Or do you just follow a routine? Let us know!
We all walk around stuck in our own heads with an idea of how things should be and how people should behave. When it comes to relationships, we all have our personal check list of requirements. We all generally, or usually, want the same things… Our standards are set and we have a very good idea of who we are willing to invest in, BUT, how many of us meet our very own standards?
My cousin hit me with a haymaker of thought provocation as I scrambled to honestly answer this simple question:
Would you be in a serious relationship with yourself?
It didn’t take long for the epiphany that I have severe relationship myopia. After clarifying my specific needs and wants in a relationship and comparing what it is that I am willing to give, it was painfully clear that I was in great deficit in comparison. When it came to my list of expectations, it was much like a laundry list; where as, what I am willing to bring to the table could fit on a Post-It.
So, what is wrong with this picture? Plenty. Everyone wants their suitor to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. However, no one wants to be ____, ______, ________ & ______. This begs the question: how does one expect to obtain and maintain a healthy and successful relationship with such acute myopia?
Be the change you want to see in your relationship.
At this juncture, it is imperative to do a little introspection and do an idiot check on myself. Next to each line item of expectation, I note whether I do or am capable of meeting that expectation myself. It’s quite an interesting self assessment and I am learning a lot about what I need to work on as an individual to become better and stronger in all my relationships. This process may not be fun or pretty, but it proves to be valuable.
Even if you are currently in a relationship, if things are going a bit left and you’re not getting on as much, perhaps doing a quick Idiot Checklist is not a bad idea. You may learn a thing or two.
This conversation comes up quite frequently among the younger generation in my family. With some of the young women, it can quickly turn into a spirited debate. Somewhere amidst the barrage of hypsersexualized Barbie ™ body types, comic book super hero body types, and the motion picture special effects make up application techniques, beauty has become convoluted.
Sexy is intended to affect desire; where as, pretty is all encompassing. While one can be both beautiful and sexy, hypersexualization can eclipse aspects of beauty because it can incite primal reactions and responses. Hypersexualization can cause the reptile brain to kick in.
Is being sexy a bad thing? No. However, it’s imperative to make the distinction that sexy and beautiful are not one and the same – no matter what your social media feed and feedback may imply.
Beauty is all encompassing. Beauty is multidimensional. A beautiful person’s spirit shines through their eyes and their energy can cause people to yearn to be in their presence. It is not a sexual yearning. Beauty comes from the inside and makes others feel good on the inside. Beauty is not based on appearance alone.
1: the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit : loveliness
It all boils down to personal preference of what kind of attention one would like to garner. While there is nothing wrong with either, there is an absolute distinction that far too many people are unaware of.
Have you ever ended up at a place in life that makes you legitimately ask yourself out loud, “Self, how did I get here?” While it seems like a rhetorical question, a part of you wishes that somehow a Jiminey Cricket™ of sorts will pop up out of thin air with the answer, and some sort of allegory that helps you turn your life around so you do not end up in the same place again.
For those of us who were born human and not a Disney character, it is up to us to answer the question on our own.
When you find yourself in a position where you are asking yourself this question, you already know why. Accepting the reason and taking accountability can be painful so it’s easier to avoid the answer; it is easier still, to blame another person or circumstance. So, what do you do? Where do you start?
These three very simple, yet challenging things can change things around:
“Own it!” When people say this, it just sounds like a scolding; I get it. On the contrary, taking accountability or “owning it” is such a powerful thing because taking accountability places you back the driver’s seat of your life and you can begin to call the shots again.
Figure out what you want.
This is one of the hardest things and most avoided question for many. What do I want? What do I want to be? Who am I? How do I become happy?
Switch your focus.
Focusing on the past will perpetuate it and you will find yourself feeling like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Whenever you get in the space of “how did I get here?” … it is easy to feel trapped in a trine of inner conflict that you cannot break free from. By taking accountability, figuring out what you want and switching your focus, youcan break free of circular pattern of thinking and being.
Any thoughts? You are always welcome to share. Drop a comment or message me direct.
Nowadays, parents must have a couple crucial conversations that may prove to be just as (if not more) awkward than the Birds and the Bees. While many do not realize it, it is paramount to discuss seemingly uncomfortable topics to circumvent being in an unfortunate situation that is unimaginable until you find yourself in it with your child.
The talk that I am referring to generally took place right before we went off to college in my hay day. However, it seems in this millennial age, the talk to should occur just around the when the rite of passage of cell phones occur with a few circumstances and consequences that didn’t exist back then before Google was invented.
Cellphones have proven to be quite dangerous and detrimental to people’s lives. A simple tweet could ruin you. A meme can brand you and scar you. A photo can completely bar you. Perception is reality and in today’s world virtual reality is reality. It is a big responsibility and it is important that children learn this early on because if they don’t they can be charged with crimes they didn’t realize were crimes. Activities such as sexting and trading racy photos can result in charges like possession of child pornography (even if both parties involved are minors). Please click here to find out what you must know about minors sexting, revenge porn, and how to discuss these topics with your children.
It is imperative that adolescents get thoroughly educated on some basic practical skills that keep them safe. The sooner these skills are instilled in them, the better. Two of the most basic cardinal rules when going to parties are:
No one left behind.
No drink unattended.
As simple as these two cardinal rules are, they are often broken yielding some unfortunate and tragic consequences. Naturally, choice of friends and interests play a big part, however, equipping children with the basic expectation that they are responsible for one another and that they need to have each others’ backs is a must. If you a drink goes unattended, get another one. *Go with a stranger or an acquaintance to fetch a drink. If at a bar, take the drink directly from the bartender. These basic rules of engagement circumvent a myriad of scenarios. At which point it may be a good idea to add, always have cab money in case of emergencies and don’t leave the house without your phone being fully charged. What is mentioned here is just a few important bullet points in addition to what we were taught when we were once teenagers – in addition to any and all other safety habits you would like to instill in your age appropriate child.
Aside from the epidemic of cyber-bullying, there are all sorts of dangers lurking on social media like body image complexes, depression and sex trafficking. Yes, sex trafficking. Recruiters have become quite savvy using social media platforms to promote, glamorize, and recruit for prostitution. It’s going on more often then we would like to think. Just one more thing to be aware of, and to have a conversation with your child about; most recruiters aren’t creepy old men, but classmates with nice fancy and shiny things. Please click here for more information on sex trafficking.
In terms of bullying, a good practice is to Google your children every now and then to see their activity. It can give a good glimpse of your child through the eyes of,… well… the world wide web. This practice can reveal whether your child is a bully or bring bullied. It’s important to let your children know the importance of not expressing their anger for another person online and if your child is being bullied – make sure they know they are not alone. If a child feels alone, loses hope and feel despair… nothing good can come from that. Click here for information. Talk to them. Regularly.
Making Out/Getting Intimate
“No means no” is more than just a slogan. The nuances get misread by the inexperienced youth who subscribe to the philosophies of their misguided peers or reference pop culture (which has an extremely skewed view altogether). If your children should take any queues on that topic from any source, it should come from you. So it is imperative to start the conversation and engage them. At any time anyone can change their minds. Anyone can agree to one activity and decline another. If one person is intoxicated, it’s best to wait until they are not. Someone’s behavior or their clothing is not a clear indication of consent. Consent is consent. Click here for some more information for this conversation.
Purging your personal quarters is crucial to your existence. I know, this sounds dramatic but it is just as true. Letting go of things that take up space for no other reason than they happen to belong to you can be harmful and can hinder your ability to grow as a person or move on toward the future.
Hanging onto items often facilitates hanging onto memories and the emotions attached to them. Some emotions may be good; and others, not so much. Every now and again we must sift through the accumulated contents in our environment and release some of these “vibes” in order to make room for new ones.
It may sound symbolic at face value, but it is much more than that. Just as a song can bring you back to the moment you first heard it, or a fragrance can summon memories of a person, place or thing,.. The accumulation of items in your environment can keep you stagnant emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Give it away, give it away, give it away,… NOW!
We tend to hang onto clothing for years at a time – even when it has not fit us in years. Clothes can be sentimental but tend to be the easiest of items to purge. There are people out there who have no clothing, who are less fortunate, and who would appreciate the clothing you are storing for the potentially hungry moths. If you have not worn it in a year – chances are you will not wear it any time soon, if it all. Why not free up the space and invite the good vibes and blessings brought on by charitable contributions?
A few of your favorite things….
Items that were once your favorite can sometimes be upcycled or revamped. A stud earring that lost its mate could become a pendant. The storage trunk could double as a nice furniture piece in your den. If you cannot let it go, polish it up and work it into your environment. If there is absolutely no place for it,… perhaps its place is on eBay.
Things that make you go “Boo Hoo”…
We all have an item or two that provoke tears even after all these years. Purging these items are hardest of all. If these items are the proverbial salt in a perpetually gaping wound, and you feel you cannot purge. Going through these items may take time. You may have to do it in increments. You may also have to arrange for back up with some loved ones as you sift through these items. Go at your own pace. Just because you get rid of tangible items, does not mean you get rid of the memory. If its too much to bear, you can always prepare a special place for it. Like storage.
As the old pun goes…. the when past, the present and the future meet, it’s pretty tense! Tense is not the kind of vibe suitable for a dwelling space. Tense is not good for health, creativity, or personal happiness.. When our bodies are tense we get a massage – which you could pay for with the profit you make from eBay after purging the clutter.
Skin care is a vital part to beauty. If you have healthy and clear skin, layers of makeup are not necessary. Believe it or not, you may not have to look beyond your refrigerator for effective beauty masks that make your skin healthier.
There are two particular face masks I use regularly that are tried and true.
Egg Yolk Mask:
Sounds gross, but it is amazing. Take an egg and crack it placing the contents in a bowl. You may beat it and make it frothy, if you like. Spread it across your face and carefully avoid your eyes. The consistency will feel a little slimy at first, but it will dry. Once it dries your face will tighten significantly. Once it is completely dry, (I usually wait about 10-15 minutes), gently wash it off in a circular motion. Try to avoid your hairline, because that could become cumbersome. Voila! Nice fresh skin.
Coffee and Milk Mask:
Coffee is great as a scrub and milk contains lactic acid which is an active ingredient in spa grade skin peels. This mask is fantastic but it can be messy. Place four table spoons of coffee grounds in a bowl. Add milk slowly while stirring it until it makes a paste. Add more coffee if the consistency is too fluid. Add more milk if it is too hard and thick. Apply the paste onto your face. Make sure it is in the bathroom as it may drip a little. It will eventually harden once dry and you may experience a little tingly sensation from the lactic acid. Sitting with the mask on anywhere from 5 – 30 minutes is acceptable. When ready wash it off with warm water while gently massaging the coffee grounds into your skin. This mask is great for exfoliation and revitalization which makes up for the mess.
Lemon Juice! Although it is not a face mask, if you can stand it, it can clear up trouble spots on your face. If your skin is misbehaving, lemon juice is a great astringent. Citric acid, which is also found in spa grade peels, are great for zits, wrinkles, and hyper pigmentation. Make sure your face is clean first. Take a cotton ball and soak it in lemon juice and apply it. It will almost immediately tingle. Try to withstand the tingling for at least one minute. I usually fan my face so that I may hold out a bit longer. Then wash your face with lukewarm water.
Give these natural face masks a whirl. It just may be the beauty hack of all beauty hacks that have you looking nice and glowing for a mere fraction of the cost of beauty products.