Ghosting: The Psychological Bird Flip

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Photo by Elias Tucker

You meet someone and sparks fly.  You talk every day and do things together.  You two are building the foundation of a relationship or friendship; whatever the type of ship it may be, all of a sudden, this ship has sunk because this person checked out and stopped all forms of communication with you unexpectedly.

Maybe he or she enlisted in the Witness Protection Program or maybe aliens abducted him or her.  As absurd as these theories may sound, they may be plausible because you two were having a great a time up until this point.  At least you thought he or she was having as good a time as you.  In the words of the great and late philosopher Whitney Houston, “how will I know”?

In today’s world, no answer is an answer.  For those of you who do not know what ghosting is, it is the act of abruptly ceasing communication of any kind without warning or explanation with someone you were cultivating a relationship with or had a relationship with.  It is easy to hide behind the blanket excuse of “I’ve been so busy,”  but even the Leader of the Free World has time to make multiple posts that 150 characters are less in a day!   So what gives?  Ghosting has become the most common and convenient way to bail on a relationship.

It’s not you, it’s me….

Are people not even worth a cliché anymore?   Giving someone the Casper treatment is rather disrespectful.  Here is why.  Disappearing without an explanation breeds a lot of confusion, speculation and worry.  It brings about far more intense feelings than the feeling of rejection that comes from being up front with someone and saying, “You are a great person and I enjoy the time we spent together; I don’t want to pursue a relationship with you.”   Yes, of course, you run the risk of having a conversation that might be uncomfortable but it is the last conversation you will have with this person on this topic.  It actually beats “ghosting” him or her only to randomly bump into him or her without any place to take cover thus being forced to have an even more awkward and potentially embarrassing conversation– in public, no less!

Ghosting to spare someone’s feeling is a piping hot pile of steaming dung.

Anyone who ghosts someone else is cowardly sparing himself or herself the daunting task of having to admit they are not into this friendship/relationship and having a conversation about why.  It is okay to want out of a relationship for no other reason than you do not want to be in one with that person.  Sometimes that happens.  Not everyone we come across is a crazy creep.  Sometimes sparks fly and fizzle out for no particular reason.  Just because someone is amazing and he or she has the right qualities does not mean he or she is right for you.

If you should find yourself in the situation where you want to call it quits, choose to treat this person with kindness and respect them enough to have that conversation with them.  Be brave.  Don’t be a cruel ghoul and ghost.

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10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men

anm_logo2_400x400Let me just start by saying Sabrina Alexis and Eric Charles have been a part of my life for some time.  I’ve been following their amazing blog anewmode.com circa 5 years and they cover a wide array of issues and topics on two things women can never seem to talk about enough, Fashion and Relationships.  Laser focusing on the relationship front, the blog is chuck full of articles on topics that we women often feel the need to congregate and start  make-shift think tanks to decipher certain circumstances and behaviors. I personally appreciate their style of writing because it does not have a condescending tone like some authors on dating tend to have.  When you’re caught admits a situation, it isn’t easy to see things as clearly as someone that is observing from the sidelines.  Eric and Sabrina get that.  I appreciate that tremendously.

hes-not-that-complicated-book-image2-247x300Anewmode gives off a conversation over brunch with a close friend vibe that I believe made it not only unique, but extremely popular; writing a book (or two..) was only a matter of time.  I’m so glad they did.  The first book, “He’s Not That Complicated” was a total slam dunk!  This is what I had to say about that….

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Fast forward four years to Sabina and Eric to book #2, “10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men.”

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Sabrina and Eric delivered another a well written book with so much insight on things we overlook or misinterpret in relationships. This book differs from the previous one because “He’s Not That Complicated” focuses on situations and circumstantial behaviors. “10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men” focuses on emotional and psychological aspects that help or hinder the ability to make and maintain a real connection.

They are candid with their own personal experiences and lessons while providing a wealth of information and challenges for the reader with exercises to help the reader see and experience what they are conveying for themselves.  All in all the book is insightful, encouraging, challenging and empowering.  It’s definitely one of those books you’ll keep as you may need to go back and reference a few things from time to time.  It can easily be a book you’ll end up purchasing over and over again should you lend it to a friend.

I cannot buy it for you… but I can highly recommend it to you.

“10 Things Every Woman Needs to Know About Men” is available in digital and paperback at  Amazon.com

Also, I encourage you to pick up “He’s Not That Complicated.”  It will at the very least equip you with great useful advise to give your girlfriends who are single and ready to mingle.  And by all means check out Anewmode.com for fashion, dating, and relationship tips that will change your life!

Weighing In On Self Worth

I had the pleasure to meet a remarkable young woman by the name of Mar Ortiz a few years ago.  She is now a reality television star on a show called Big Women: Big Love .  Recently, she found herself catapulted into an arena that is as courageous and inspiring as it is absurd.  A photo and a statement… would soon be a platform of debate.

I love my love handles!

I scrolled upon this photo in my Facebook feed and I commended Mar because there is nothing more beautiful than being comfortable in your own skin.  As this picture went viral and people began commenting, I was actually appalled at the thought that anyone would even suggest that Mar was “glorifying obesity.”  That’s absolutely absurd!  It is becoming harder and harder in this day and age to “be beautiful.”  What is beauty? Is it running around scantily clad?  Is it looking like a superhero? Is it systematically butchering your body parts to resemble a celebrity?

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It’s absolutely ghastly and unnerving for someone to be scrutinized for appreciating their God given body.  That concept within itself has been so lost in translation for some time.  In a world of Photoshop, filters and plastic surgery … what’s so bad about posting a picture and being content with yourself.

Love yourself at any size or glorifying obesity?

Not everyone is petite, tall, thin, or even full figured.  What is wrong with enjoying what you have and working it with confidence and acceptance?  We must be careful with the type of message we are sending and be wary of it being lost in translation lest we raise a generation of self-loathing anorexics with a skewed perception of what beauty truly is.

From the outside it is very easy to point and shake a finger at people who put themselves out there.  On the other hand.. “out… there..” are many people who maybe suffering for various reasons that are not afforded the opportunity to attempt to fit into this highly unrealistic ideal of beauty.  In addition to what they are facing, they should not be made to feel that they cannot be happy within themselves or pleased with their appearance because it is seemingly is not acceptable to the norm.

Self-acceptance should be celebrated and woman like Mar empower others.  In turn they should be supported and not blasted for simply being happy with who they are and proud of their appearance.

So, I said to myself… Self…

How do you view yourself? Is how you view yourself congruent with who are? How can you tell?

These are self-assessment questions everyone should ask themselves periodically – particularly when their lives are on the verge of change. Are the same formulas still working for you? What is your current level of inner peace? Are you happy? Are you sleeping well at night? Is your load heavy? How can you lighten it?

 

Self-assessment can be a scary thing. Sometimes we do not want to look back or within but looking back and looking within will provide the clues and tools necessary to move onward to your next destination. Looking back a year ago today… where were you? What were your biggest fears and concerns? What were your accomplishments? What goals have you set since? Have you achieved them? Who had been helpful and supportive when needed along the way?

 

In life we can accumulate a lot of things like methods of doing things, people and paradigms that are no longer suitable. Once a bipedal adult, one reckons the fastest was to get around is not on all fours as a quadruped. This is no different from maturing and shedding old thought patterns, influences and extracting lessons from experiences had that help shape you to become who you are while honing your skills to identify and circumvent recurrences of not-so-pleasant situations, experiences, and people. This too, like handwriting, is a skill that takes practice. It is a difficult skill at first because looking back and looking within can dredge up feelings that are unpleasant.

 

Feelings are what make us human and perhaps, so incredibly beautifully flawed. Good feelings are better than any possible high known to man. Bad feelings… well… I know I do not stand alone when I say I’d rather break a bone than feel bereaved or dejected. The reality is, there is no avoiding it; and often, it comes without warning. Not dealing with feelings and filing them away in the back of your mind is like cleaning a loaded gun with the safety off – someone, is bound to get hurt – either you are someone around you. Unresolved feelings can hinder your progression in various areas of your life. Keeping yourself extrinsically occupied will not diminish those buried feelings within.

 

It is frightening to go searching for those old dingy feelings, but it’s less disastrous to find them and purge them than allowing them to emerge spontaneously. I heard a lecture by Bill Johnson called, “The War in Your Head” and he said something profound,…

“every response in life we have is either out of LOVE or out of FEAR.  The source of our words, responses, our directives in life… the things we choose to pursue, the things we choose not to pursue are either because of love and fear.”

So,… ask yourself, what do you love? What do you love to do?  What would you love to do?  What are you afraid of? What are you holding on to so tightly that you’re afraid to lose?

 

This is the precipice of self-assessment and therein is keys to unlocking who you are, where you’ve been and where you’re going. Defuse the pain of past experiences by extracting the lessons you’ve learned from them and set out to love more. This way you can make room for new experience and new people. Identify your sources of love and support and avoid sources that provide contrary influence. Keep moving and keep checking.