Author: lolitasays

When a relationship becomes more serious and all the idiosyncrasies that were once cute lose their luster, and in comes the bickering and resentment, you may feel like you have boarded the Express Train to Splitsville. Your relationship is full speed ahead towards the same old and all the energy spent fighting over the same things repeatedly can leave you so emotionally drained that you yearn for something different.

Anything different is better

Today we take the “anything different is better” mentality and interpret it as “anyone different is better” without ever really considering “any thought/action different is better.” Who says once you’re on that train that there are no stops? Is it possible to pull an emergency break, get off and take a different route? Simple answer is yes! It doesn’t have to end in a train wreck!  You may have to build the track… TOGETHER! It will take some hard work but it is not impossible.

Many times we have a very myopic scope of our relationships and laser focus on our own needs and how they are not being met by our partner. Being unable to see the full picture and understand what you’re looking at makes it extremely difficult to move forward.  Ask anyone who wears glasses or contacts!   In terms of a relationship we cannot see where we may be coming up short on delivering for our partners.  Couple that myopic view point with continual arguments with phrases like, “you always” and “you never” and we can almost see city limits of Splitsville on the horizon.
With the raw materials like love for one another, the desire to be together and the will to make a change then you are already ahead of the game, my friend! When we get caught in that vicious cycle of arguing about the same thing over and over again, there are two things we become experts on: how the topic makes us feel and how our partner will respond.

Can we talk…?

We have to laser focus on what is being said to us. Although we may not agree with everything that is being said to us, we must make a choice of trying to understand the message that is being conveyed to us and accept that it is important to the person we love. Because the person we love is important to us, we cannot always bombard them with our own needs and points of view. It is easy to recognize when we have begun bulldozing our partners during a difference of opinion when every other complete though begins with “I feel,” or “I think” … And every other statement ends in “to me,” or “about me.”
Opening lines of communications with open ended questions creates a dialogue that can help get to the root of the problem. Many times we get caught up in arguing about an issue and never addressing the real problem; when we do that, the problem reemerges in a form of another issue and we are back on the hamster wheel reacting off one another. Someone needs to take initiative and just listen for a moment: listening intently without thinking in your mind what to next while someone is speaking is a sure fire way to finally “get them.”

Not really sure what I think about it

Just because someone is speaking does not mean you are obligated to respond right away. Every now and then we get thrown a hay-maker in a conversation and don’t know what to say. It is okay not know and maybe ponder on what is being said to you until it resonates with you enough to form your own thoughts and feelings. We are not computers! It can take time to process information and let our heads catch up to our hearts. Immediate responses are not always appropriate. Keeping in mind that immediate responses are not always appropriate keeps us from saying or doing things we don’t actually mean and end up having to apologize later.
Someone has to take the first step and be the catalyst and lead by example.  Who is it going to be, at this juncture?

Standards of beauty change throughout time, like any other fad.  Whether it is a slender ballerina body, an hour glass body, a full round bum or toned legs with a thigh gap, we are told by them what is “in” and what is “out.”

I have always wondered who are they?  Who are they to tell us what part of our bodies are in and out?  What ever happened to celebrating the diversity of feminine shapes?  As with all preferences, people are attracted different things.

Variety is the spice of life, is it not?

Variety does not seem to be promoted nowadays.  As a result of that, more women have resorted to body mutilation.  So many women are attending parties and injecting mystery substance into their bodies.  Some women have had permanent side effects, and other physical deformities that are unpleasing to the eyes, and others have died.  And for who?  Are we as women doing this to attract men?

Men don’t seem to like all the war paint!

Despite what we may see and read, of my years of experience I have always found myself defending the need to apply make up.  I suppose make up invokes the confidence women need to face the external world.  Men, don’t quite get it.  The father of an Ex-boyfriend of mine who was 70 years old at the time had once said,  “Women wear make up for other women. It’s like war paint.”    That is a very interesting analogy.  Now, 20 years later, with my own wisdom and experience, looks like Tony might have been on to something!  I was never any comment short of, you look so much better without all that on your face!

Make up trends have now evolved into contouring and those very interesting Egyptian hieroglyphic like eye brows which are quite disturbing to some.  The nose slimming, cheek boosting, highlighting methods morph a woman’s face to the point where they are unrecognizable when the make up comes off.  No one appreciates false advertisement.

I must, I must, I must increase my butt!

When it comes to this new craze, aside from celebrities sporting their designer bum, there are scores of photos of this Murphy’s Law procedure that are horrific and sad.  These procedures are not safe.  Similar to Botox parties, there are Butt Lift parties where people inject (who knows) into their bodies.  Many have died hours later because the injection substance has seeped into their blood stream or lungs.

NEVER EVER go to an underground party and let someone who is not a registered medical doctor perform any procedure.  The complications of such a decision could end your life!

Aside from fatal complications any implant is a foreign body.  The immune system recognizes this and begins to work to reject it.  This can result in the implant detaching and slipping or becoming calcified. It can also result in infection.  Any implant in the body must be monitored every few years to ensure it is properly positioned and not leaking.  One must also be prepared to replace them if need be.

Again, with implants, men have a similar take on make up.  The look and feel is often unnatural.

So, what standard of beauty stays  “in“?

I read A Look Back at Beauty Through History it begs the question, if the standard beautiful body images changes throughout time, what does one do?  If the standard of beauty is not conducive to your own body type, what is there to do?  Manipulating your own body can be a solution but what happens when that body type is no longer “in”?  We lose!  That is what happens!

In my lifetime I’ve seen the heroine chic, skinny waif type that was frail with ribs shone.  A teen back then, I was forbidden to even attempt to achieve such a look.  Those who are naturally like that, I suppose are “out of style” in today’s world.  So, how does one survive this feeling of invalidity  when their body is not structured to achieve the current revered shape?

You cannot celebrate anything you are ashamed of.

Answer is, CONFIDENCE.  No one has come off an assembly line.  We are not Stepford women.  We are individuals with a uniqueness that should be celebrated.  How can you celebrate who you are if you do not see your value or are ashamed?  There is something to be said about not being like everyone else.  Everyone has a jewel of uniqueness.  This is what sets you apart. When chasing some image you are told to aspire to, you starve that genuine uniqueness that people – no just men are attracted to.

Despite what pop culture and the media may insinuate,  confidence cannot be bought or sold or made.  Confidence comes through self actualization and self acceptance.  Instead of putting energy, time, money into a potentially life-altering or life-threatening situation, perhaps putting energy, time and money into accentuating your unique attributes is  better prescription that going under the knife or getting injections or piling on layers and layers of make up.

Be  your own standard of beauty!

During the 20s quest of finding ourselves we meet many cool people along the way.  These people may be part of your entourage and run in a pack with you doing all sorts of things together and sharing all sorts of new experiences.  Some of those experiences could be so momentous that we always hold that moment near and dear to our hearts.  When college is over and marriage is on the horizon or prenatal jargon becomes part of our everyday conversation or relocation comes to pass… we find ourselves in an unfamiliar territory and it can be difficult to adapt or relate.

We are not always experiencing life events at the same time.

Many times static begins occur and BFFs fight, act out, and sometimes fallout altogether.   You may find yourself one less bridesmaid, for example.  You may not get as many phone calls.  You may not be met with the same level of excitement and enthusiasm as you express your interests or your new ventures.  Things just aren’t the same anymore.  This is not a bad thing.  It is a great thing.  It is an exciting thing.  We have to accept the situation for what it is because there is so much more ahead.

Change can often feel like loss.

Life is a journey that is designed for you to keep moving forward.  Life is designed for you to have goals and once you achieve those goals, you are compelled to set new goals to achieve.    As your goals change, you entourage may change too.   This is not to say that you must end your previous friendships, but evaluate them to make sure you are not setting unrealistic expectations on the relationship.  As our needs change we expect people to change with them and this is not always possible.  Not everyone is meant to stay for the whole ride.  We must respect that they too have their own journey.

Whoever is meant to stay in your life can never go.

Just because someone is off on another path doesn’t mean you won’t reconnect down the line.  Lifetime friends will always remain your friends despite time, location, trials and tribulations – they will always be around for you – especially when you need them most.

I’ve found myself engaged in the same conversation with different people as of late. The  common denominator was being on the brink of making a choice that would essentially change their life’s direction and possible who they are. Every now and again we do come at a fork in the road and almost like a multiple choice question, the answers all seem similar but yet there is truly “just right” – just as there is only one path that is truly just right, for you… right now…

Deep down we all know the answer. Deep down we have the answer but what leads us to perceive we have difficult choices before us is what drives us. Desire or Necessity?  Want Vs. Need. These two one syllable words are deceptively simple concepts that can easily be misconstrued and misinterpreted at any given time.

After all, one can want something/someone they do not need and one can need something/someone they do not want. – Lolitasays

Wants (desires) are essentially wishes to that one hopes to fulfill that is believed will make them happier or mores successful.

Because nothing is as good as you can imagine it. No one is as beautiful as she is in your head. Nothing is as exciting as your fantasy. ― Chuck Palahniuk

Needs (necessities) are essentially means to sustain one’s well-being; this encompasses the physical, spiritual, psychological, and emotional aspects.

Wants are never truly concrete but more abstract are hardwired to egotistical/vain concepts that are not truly tangible which is why getting what we want is not always as gratifying as we anticipated. Sometimes it can be downright disappointing leading to “now what!?!”

The unreal is more powerful than the real, because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it.– Chuck Palahniuk

Needs are simply means you absolutely cannot live without. Needs are concrete and facilitate your existence and ability to thrive in a healthy and positive way. Many a time, needs are not presented in an attractive package like wants are but nonetheless if you go without a need it has a more detrimental impact than going without a want. Getting what we need yields contentment and a lasting gratification particularly when one knows what it is like to go without.

Something to think about when you’re trying to decide which way to go…